tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89081272024-03-14T13:08:18.433-04:00So, the thing is...blogInhale wonder, exhale love.
Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469997012394334517noreply@blogger.comBlogger900125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-91010358074159494972022-02-11T16:05:00.003-05:002022-02-11T16:05:34.986-05:00Not Drinking Alcohol, reprise Some time ago (2013), I wrote this about not drinking. I'm tempted to say, "Ditto." and go on about my life.Because here I am again. After my divorce, when I started dating again, I started drinking alcohol again. Moderately. It was pretty fun.Until it wasn't.In 2020, when my pain from osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia got super loud, I drank a LOT. Every day, for months.Then I started to Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-33285939313536903402022-01-28T11:06:00.004-05:002022-02-03T15:27:01.631-05:00Compassion in the Mirror I'm having a Morning, if you know what I mean. I used to call them Sieve Days --the days when I can feel all of the holes in my psyche. All the places where my confidence in my goodness runs through, all the places where I'm not solid --not fully baked. When I doubt the path I've chosen and the life I've made and I have a fleeting desire to just...leave it. Run away and start again and Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-16641386487627742362022-01-26T11:48:00.000-05:002022-01-26T11:48:27.448-05:00ADHD (I'm laughing that it's been a while since I've published a post and now the subject of this blog post is ADHD. Well played, Universe. Very funny.)I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at the age of 56.I'd probably had it for most of my life but it presents differently in girls/women and I'd always compensated for it even when I didn't know it. Even when I was in grad school, I had this Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-59364011685029997052022-01-13T21:06:00.001-05:002022-01-14T08:17:19.610-05:00Humor I think that a shared laugh is the shortest distance between people. Recently, I came across a video my daughter shot of my guy and me playing Cards Against Humanity with some friends on New Year's Eve a few years ago. We are all laughing so hard that it's impossible to watch without laughing again. I was so struck by the complete abandon with which we're laughing. As I was Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-8638708392729001342022-01-10T22:08:00.003-05:002022-01-12T09:03:10.375-05:00Connection, Gratitude, and Trolls I am so grateful to those of you still reading my blog and commenting on it. THANK YOU. I had no idea if anyone was still following me at all, and it's just lovely to see your names again. I am not even sure how my blog is getting out there since Feedburner used to manage my subscriptions but apparently sent an email in 2021 saying they weren't going to do that anymore and I not only missedBarb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-38840459228804565422022-01-06T22:26:00.007-05:002022-01-06T22:26:58.731-05:00Tolerance for Good 6/365 We talk a lot in my profession about widening the window of tolerance for discomfort. In the trauma work I do, I find that people are often so uneasy with uncomfortable emotions, that they run pretty fast to avoid them, whether it's using drugs and or alcohol to self-medicate, or endlessly doom-scrolling on social media, or creating drama in their relationships... The ability to sit with Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-20871448222574821592022-01-05T23:00:00.001-05:002022-01-05T23:02:05.654-05:00The New Normal 5/365 We were supposed to take a trip today to see my parents for the first time since last April when we met at the beach --seeing each other for the first time since August of 2019.The Pandemic has really changed things. We're in Austin, and my parents are in Dallas, which is only about three-and-a-half hours away. (I saw a meme the other day that said you might be a Texan if you think of Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-4405681519834608382022-01-04T11:54:00.006-05:002022-01-04T21:04:41.877-05:00Be Still, But Move! Eat This, Not That! 3/365, 4/365Like everyone at the start of the new year, I have some intentions about moving more in 2022. My job is sedentary and the osteoarthritis/Fibromyalgia mix I have been dealing with has shut down a lot of my options. Right now, I'm just trying to add some steps to my day and to figure out if some form of gentle yoga is even possible. What I'm noticing is that just having the intention to add steps Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-416477830491033462022-01-02T21:38:00.003-05:002022-01-03T09:21:52.937-05:00Back to Work 2/365I'm a trauma therapist, so I like to offer one weekend day just in case the work needs some recovery time —trauma work can be pretty dysregulating. For the past six months or so (well, since I stopped working six days a week, which was after 2020 which I spent working seven days a week), I've been working Sunday through Thursday. Today was my first day of work this year.I was reminded of two Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-44681548466822414342022-01-01T20:49:00.005-05:002022-01-01T22:50:14.802-05:00Begin Where You Are 1/365I haven't blogged in more than a year, but part of my intention for 2022 is to reclaim the things that give me joy and to distance myself from the things that suck the joy right out of me. So here I am. I was going to write this long catch-up post but I'm just going to begin where I am and give backstory where needed. I love the first day of the New Year.I'm a ridiculous optimist, evenBarb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-55064423968977779572020-10-28T11:23:00.005-04:002020-10-29T18:08:01.956-04:00Listening For The OceanI am at the ocean. It’s been more than a year. Two-and-a-half years ago, I go to the ocean with my new love. Already something seems to be wrong within my body –but I pass it off to a year of hard knocks. Breast cancer surgeries and radiation treatments, grad school study marathons, and my first sessions with clients as a brand-new therapist in practicum. Eighteen months Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-84914498459704879012019-04-24T11:11:00.000-04:002019-04-24T19:08:33.473-04:00No More Hiding
So, about two weeks ago, I found a lump on the side of my recovered-from-cancer breast that was very painful. I waited a few days for it to go away, and then called the doctor when it didn't, went in on Thursday, she referred me to my cancer surgeon (which was a little concerning since that implies, well, surgery) and called him to get me in for an appointment yesterday. He didn't feel anythingBarb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-55792976608062021912018-08-26T18:18:00.001-04:002018-08-26T18:18:46.053-04:00End of SummerSo, the fall semester starts tomorrow. For those of you keeping score at home, I have two semesters left and in the spring I will graduate with my Masters in Counseling, take the National Counseling Exam, and begin the 3,000 hours of supervised internship that I need in order to be fully licensed. It will have taken about three years of graduate school to get to graduation, and I'm not sure how Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-48476244416385802122018-04-18T19:24:00.004-04:002018-04-19T16:27:24.510-04:00Rupture and RepairThere is a psychological construct the holds that all growth/healing happens through cycles of rupture and repair. I don't know that I believe ALL growth happens this way, but I do know that the times when I've had the biggest growth/healing spurts, whether it's psychologically or spiritually or even physically, came after I was completely flattened.
It was a year ago today that I found out I Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-89983132266164969372018-03-11T18:12:00.000-04:002018-03-11T18:12:08.465-04:00Twenty Years in a Heartbeat
Dear Ramona,
Today, you are twenty years old. I've been looking back through pictures of the past two decades and thinking about how much you've taught me about life and music and especially, about the limitless nature of love. The world is so much better with you in it --your fierce, gigantic heart, your kindness, that ferocious intelligence, the sense of humor, that ability Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-24067898924925866942017-11-26T16:23:00.000-05:002017-11-26T16:37:13.552-05:00HappyI woke up on this beautiful Saturday in November and was happy.
Just that. Just this realization of an expansive kind of contentment sitting somewhere around my solar plexus. Not some kind of frantic euphoria, not the bubbly whatever that is when you have a crush on someone -- nothing laced with anxiety. Just a solid kind of the contentment that comes with some hard-won balance.
It's been a Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-61609033481037947032017-08-26T13:31:00.000-04:002017-08-27T13:32:12.061-04:00And I'm Done
Pretty sure you could see that smile from space.
Forgive me for the long interval between updates. Honestly, I just had my head down, putting one foot in front of the other to the end of this summer. And now, it's like, "Hey, where did the summer go?" (Funny how that happens.)
But just like that, I'm done with breast cancer. April through the third week in August, start to finish. I had my Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-31123756351017438562017-07-24T08:52:00.000-04:002017-07-24T08:52:07.646-04:00Fatigue
So, here we are.
So far, I've undergone 12 out of the 30 radiation treatments to prevent a recurrence of breast cancer.
I am tired.
I am SO tired.
But I'm more than one-third done, which is really good because I am tired and I can't imagine how I'm going to function at all if the fatigue gets any worse.
I am here to tell you that when your doctor warns you about the fatigue associated Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-29958570758205270152017-07-06T09:07:00.000-04:002017-07-15T09:02:47.428-04:00Soul ShotI was really hopeful that I would be able to start radiation this past week, but it turns out to be more complicated than I thought--which I'm pretty sure I've now said about every aspect of this cancer thing.
Last Monday, I went for the intake appointment where they scanned me in a CT scanner to ascertain exactly where the breast clip (the marker left behind by the surgeon so the radiation Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-9957590296476292392017-06-20T09:49:00.002-04:002017-07-06T21:44:15.915-04:00We Are Saved Only By Love
My kitty Edward, who has been one of the larger than life characters on this blog for its entirety, went into decline at the end of March. He stopped eating much of anything and lost so much weight that he seemed just literally skin and bones. I think at the end his bones were hurting his skin FROM THE INSIDE. I took him to our vet and they couldn't find anything wrong with him without a Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-3905442536780408762017-06-10T21:44:00.000-04:002017-07-06T21:47:01.231-04:00Meet Stan
So, I've decided to give the enormous fatigue that has descended on me since my surgeries a name.
Readers, meet Stan.
Stan is a big guy--I'm guessing 300 pounds or so --but agile. He likes to jump on my shoulders when I'm standing in line or in the kitchen and I can feel the immense pressure, making it hard for me to lift my feet and get to a chair or a bed. Picture him like Stanley Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-81925620903650006572017-06-04T22:23:00.002-04:002017-06-04T22:26:45.319-04:00The B Word
I'm going to say the word breast in this blog post a lot. I'm sorry--I've been trying to skirt around it, but it's just hard to talk about breast cancer and breast reconstruction surgery without talking about, um, well, breasts. If you're an easy blusher, this might be a good post to skip.
To recap: I was diagnosed with breast cancer in my left breast. I had the lumpectomy on May 18thBarb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-65317568437577815932017-05-21T10:42:00.000-04:002017-05-22T00:25:42.643-04:00Now With NO Cancer*
I had my first surgery Thursday (5/18) --the lumpectomy to remove the cancerous cells in my breast.
The doctor called the very next day to say that he got it all and that the margins were clear and...
are you ready??
There was no further sign of cancer in the excised tissue!
So, you know, I was pretty overjoyed, but I'd just had surgery and was on pain meds and wonky--the first pain Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-46367661012576680952017-05-02T12:01:00.000-04:002017-05-17T13:18:13.682-04:00An Army of Cancer Fairies*
So, my surgeries got scheduled yesterday.
I'm in the middle of finals and writing my last paper for the semester and I was already feeling raw and fragile and sleep-deprived so, for whatever reason, the setting of the dates and the beginning of the pre-op stuff REALLY HIT ME HARD.
Like, it's real now.
I have breast cancer. I really do.
I walked straight into the kitchen and made a tomato Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908127.post-73919536244345318732017-04-29T10:05:00.000-04:002017-04-29T12:41:49.133-04:00Resilience: The Plan So Far
Okay.
Okay.
I'm ready.
I did some wallowing but now I am all suited up (no cape) to go out there and kick cancer to the curb.
I've decided that everything that enters my mouth from now through (at least) treatment and recovery, will support my healing. I'm going mostly raw vegan, low sugar, gluten-free, (possibly) no caffeine. Possibly no alcohol. (I've recently been having a glass of red Barb Matijevichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13448437057638615515noreply@blogger.com12