Miss Me?

Did ya miss me? Did ya? Did ya? Huh? Huh?

Did you even notice I was gone?

Well, I was. My husband took me and the kids to Southampton for the weekend to see how the other half one-eighth one third of two-forty-fifths of one percent live. We went to visit Coop's old friend --a self-made man who definitely made good--and his lovely, charming family.

I have to admit that I didn't want to go. There was a time in my life when, while not exactly one of the Beautiful People, I felt just fine hanging out with them. At this time in my life, though, I feel so Very. Horribly. Awfully. NOT.

Beautiful.

But it wasn't at all like that. They are really beautiful people but the funny thing about parenthood is that it's the great equalizer. I mean, this family had beautiful home in one of the most beautiful areas near some of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen, but even with a lot of help, they were still dealing with their teething little eleven-month-old (who, by the way, I thought seriously about just packing right up in my suitcase and bringing home with me) and their two-and-a-half year old, who was very cute but still in that not-totally-fluent-in-English, big into "NO!" phase. They were so nice and such generous, gracious hosts. We had a really nice time.

Of larger issue is how much of my life I have spent eating at the same table as the popular kids and not ever, even once, feeling like I belong there. I mean, I am forty-freaking-three years old. Will I EVER feel like I'm good enough, smart enough, thin enough, rich enough, funny enough, creative enough, kind enough, hip enough --will I ever feel like who I am is ENOUGH?

Well, enough of all that (for today anyway) because today? My girls got bean-bag chairs.

Dude. There is nothing cooler.

Comments

Miriam said…
Missed you! Checked often! Called you out on my own blog today... Missed you pathetically. Definitely not belonging at the cool kid table here.
Is that Jane who is acting like a kittycat?
hokgardner said…
I know the feeling. We spent the day on Saturday at a summer camp that was between sessions, and the only folks there were teenaged counselors and our group. I was immediately reduced to feeling like the awkward teenage girl who never fit in with the cool kids as soon as a gaggle of 18-year-old girls, all thin and blonde and tan, invaded our pool.
LaDonna said…
LOL! Jane looks like she likes her bean bag, and how typical for Anna to curl up with a book in hers :) Awesome!

Yes, I did miss you, but more because I hadn't checked your blog than I knew you were gone. I've been offline alot lately, but that's a story for another day...maybe I'll blog about it. Might help.

Glad you're back!
MadMad said…
OK, but wasn't there even just a little part of you that was all haha, at least I'm not the one with the 11-month old and the two-year-old? The other mom was probably sitting there thinking how she wished she was YOU!
Ei said…
Blush. Barb, sometimes I wonder if it is possible for me to be cool enough to hang out with *you*. I was the rebel because I was afraid of cool kid rejection. Still am kind of.

I missed you, but I missed you because I was away too...and I was at my mama's birthday party and sitting outside my sister's house watching the Harleys cruise by. Could we have HAD more different weekends?
Jolly Roger said…
Sweet!! I am totally not enough, ever, either. You are not alone, but glad you had a great time :)
DK said…
Dude. You are one of the most beatiful people I know. Inside AND out.
Anonymous said…
I've always had that problem too - never feeling enough - and I always wondered where in my past that thought comes from. I like myself, I have interests, a family and people who love me, yet that feeling creeps in every so often and really shakes my confidence. But it's a comfort knowing others get that feeling too. I enjoy reading your blog...MIME