Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Elmer Has My BACK, Y'all

I've told you about Elmer before, right?  He's the amazing and wonderful handyman who works on the property doing odd jobs like painting and trimming and weeding and...magic every once in a while.  I wrote about him here and here.  Go ahead and read about him.  I'll wait.

(While we're waiting, I'll tell you an exciting bit of yoga news: today I did a backbend from a standing position!  I KNOW! My instructor had to help me come back up from it, but I didn't even need traction afterward or anything!)

So, anyway, Elmer. I should mention that Elmer's first language is not English, and I have a pronounced Southern accent, so communication between the two of us isn't always easy. Elmer is here today doing some painting and before I left for yoga, I went out to talk to him about what he was planning for today because I needed help on a project. I managed to kill this enormous cactus that belonged to my landlords and it needed to be removed from the pot and disposed of, but it is LETHAL in it's stickeriness, so I needed help. (Yes, I made that word up. WHAT?)

I said, "I killed a cactus and I need some help getting rid of it, if you have some time today. Maybe we could just throw it in the compost or something?"

And Elmer's eyes got soft and concerned and comforting and he said, "Probably the best thing is if we dig a hole and bury him."

I said, "You think so?  Yes, you're probably right.  I don't want the pets stepping on it or anything."

Elmer nodded sagely, still looking concerned.  "I can take care of that for you. Did you have him long?"

And then it dawned on me: Elmer thought I was talking about a CAT.  He thought I'd killed one of our CATS!

I rushed to assure him that it was a big plant and that, honest, if it was a cat, I would be heartbroken and I would not ask him to just chuck that sucker into the compost.

It's good to know that if I have a corpse that needs disposal, Elmer has my back.

RIP, Cactus.

6 comments:

Chronic Ennui said...

This post was the hilight of my day (not that that's saying much...). You are like Lucy without Ethel. :)

Ann in NJ said...

I'm trying to imagine this conversation WITH accents and it's just too funny. Elmer is clearly a gem.

By the way, I don't know if you get WNYC radio out your way, but they run a larage number of promos for an interview podcast by Alec Baldwin (yes, THAT Alec Baldwin). His podcast is called "Here's the Thing." And every time I hear that, I think of you and wonder, "Does Barb know about this?"

tanita davis said...

Hooted loudly, and people just asked me what I was reading. It's just one of those things - I can imagine the man's eyes softening with pity, while he thinks, "Where did she leave it? Out in the sun??? and for how long???"

*snicker*

Barb said...

I have been giggling all day wondering which thought crossed his mind first: "Wow, I wonder what the cat DID?" or "I'd hate to be HER husband!"

Tiffany said...

Laughing out loud in Panera AGAIN. You are responsible for so many of the funny looks I get from strangers.

mamabeth said...

Oh thank goodness Thomas and Edward are all right!