I am really struggling right now. Yesterday was momentous --but I'm not sure if it's good or bad.
For some time (the better part of a year,) I've been fighting some undiagnosed malady. I had this really debilitating, crushing fatigue coupled with periods of intense joint and muscle pain. My mental acuity seemed compromised --I felt like I was in a weird brain fog. My food intolerances have increased --I'm kind of down to certain vegetables and nuts and seeds.
Granted, I've been under a lot of stress for reasons I can't detail here, and that's probably been a factor. I thought maybe I had some sort of adrenal fatigue or leaky gut or, my biggest fear, some kind of rheumatoid arthritis or Fibromyalgia. (I limited my visits to Dr. Google.)
But I was still battling something. I went to a lot of doctors and eventually, after a lot of research and dietary experimentation (some of which was really helpful and improved my condition,) I found a Functional Medicine doctor, who is simply amazing and brilliant and who ordered a bazillion tests trying to figure out what was going on with me. I met with her yesterday and got the results of some of those tests.
As most of you know I am vegan--I don't partake of any animal products. I try not to say too much about that, because I am as weary of the sanctimonious attitude on both sides of the vegan/non-vegan issue as you are. This is a very sensitive thing for me to talk about because every time I talk about it, somebody is offended thinking I'm judging them for eating meat. OR I get attacked by the vegans for not being vegan ENOUGH. (I eat honey. I have leather shoes.)
I'm vegan mostly because I don't want to eat anything I can't kill myself. (This leaves me with an animal protein diet of mosquitoes--haven't learned how to catch and release THOSE yet.) I'm also vegan because my guru, Sri Dharma Mittra, says that it is the first tenet of yoga --that our compassion for animals must extend beyond our pets.
But please hear me: this isn't have anything to do with anyone else but me and my choices and my path. I'm not sitting in judgment of anyone else. One of the two people I made inside my body is a total carnivore and I don't think less of her. I LOVE her--as she is. I ate meat at various times in my life, too. I'm no longer really cooking meat for her, and she accepts that and is understanding. There will come a time when my house is meat-free --but I'm not pushing her out the door to get there.
Unfortunately, what I learned yesterday is that my body is breaking down. Some people thrive on a vegan diet. I am not one of them.
My cell membranes and mitochondria are severely compromised. I have epically low levels of Omega 3s, of Coenzyme Q10, weirdly high levels of calcium (which is not what you want --high levels of calcium in your cells means your cell membranes are weak,) super low B-12 levels. Given my growing list of food intolerances, I cannot get enough of the things I need to regain my health through my current diet. My doctor is urging me to find an animal protein that I can eat, and to at least begin taking fish oil.
So, I'm really struggling with what to do. I am not vegan for health reasons, but if my health continues to decline, I will be of little service to humankind and I think (pray) that I have something to add to the collective good in the world. On the other hand, I do not think that I can continue to follow my Guru while knowingly ingesting animals and animal products. He is very clear on this subject. "You cannot make progress on the path to enlightenment if you are eating your animal brothers and sisters."
It's not only Sri Dharma's teachings. I don't want to eat anything that I can't kill myself and I am morally opposed to killing any sentient being. I think it would be hypocritical for me to eat animals killed by someone else. I know a lot of people who think you can honor the animal you are eating and be grateful for its nourishment of your body. I know farmers and ranchers who raise animals for slaughter and do it in the most humane way possible. I read one woman's account of her farm and in it she said, "We give them wonderful lives with lots of space and good food and then they have one very bad day." I just don't think I can do it and live with myself.
So, I guess that's the choice before me. Either I am true to my ethical and spiritual beliefs, or I concentrate on regaining my health. I'm in a lot of pain over what to do.
Now that I've slept on the issue, and processed some of my fear and feelings, I've decided that I have to give it one more big effort to find health without eating animals. I'm going to get really scientific about my diet --learn as much as I possible can about the nutrition involved in what I'm putting in my mouth and seek as much counsel as I can to find the highest nutritional density supplements and food. I'm probably going to add fish oil as part of my diet, since the vegan version wasn't having much effect on my low Omega 3s. I know that's hypocritical --I'm trying to think of it as a compromise. Next week, I am going to the Dharma Yoga Center in NYC for my annual immersion back into my spiritual home. I will talk to my mentors there and seek their wisdom.
I'll keep you posted. Please be kind in your comments, I am really struggling.