Missing and Missed

I'm very sad but have not yet given up hope that someone might have found him. He has a microchip.

And my heart.

It doesn't help that I feel totally responsible. He was sick for a day or so and hid under Ana's bed. I called the vet and while I was waiting for her to call me back, I had to leave to pick up the girls from piano lessons. I just let him out as I went out--like the huge honkin' dumbass that I am. So, that was 1:30 yesterday and I've not seen him since. And he's just really a homebody. He's never been gone this long before.

So, not only is he gone, but it's MY FAULT for being so stupid. I could be force-feeding him pills right now if I hadn't let him out.

And my biggest fear is that he has a urinary tract infection (mostly fatal in male cats) or that he was so weak (as far as I know, he now hasn't eaten in at LEAST 48 hours) that some wild creature got him. Or that he's lying somewhere with the life oozing out of him and I'm wandering up and down the street yelling, "EDWARD!!" because, as you know, cats so often come when they are called. I'm not even sure he knows his name.

You know, I keep calling this the Summer of Bickering but I think maybe it's the Summer of Pet Stress. My two favorite pets... honestly, why do I set myself up for this? I always think that it's no big deal-- I have an infinite amount of love. I forget about the pain inherent in loving a living creature. Honestly... I can't believe that I am doing this AGAIN.

The last time I loved a cat like this was in the eighties. I had this jet black, saxophone-playing kitty named Coltrane who had, really, the exact same personality as Edward. My job had me traveling about 90% of the time so I asked my ex to take care of him while I was on the road. He told me one day that he thought Coley had been hit by a car. Again, we don't know for sure, but a neighbor saw a black cat get hit. I am STILL mourning that cat and it was almost twenty years ago.

So, I finally took a chance on another cat (my husband's cat doesn't count since the only time she really loved me was right before I was about to get incredibly sick. She would come and lay on top of me as I was going to sleep and I'd just know that malaria or LEPROSY or something equally dire would set in the next day.) and here I am, up at all hours looking for him and crying off and on all day.

If you are a praying person, would you pray that my Eddy V is safe and not in pain? I mean, if it was his time, then it was his time. But what's making me crazy is thinking of him sick or hurt somewhere and me unable to find him.

Come home, E. It's just not as much fun without you.