Because I am Post Nasally Dripping...

Oh my gosh, I don't want to be too dramatic or anything here but I think I might have blown my nose hard enough to have caused permanent damage. Like maybe some of my BRAIN came out. (Lordy, lordy, not the BRAIN. Take the HIPS--really, take them all! But leave the BRAIN, for the love of Pete. Because, honestly, it's not like I'm making any MORE brain cells.)

Because my entire body is stuffed up, I have been sitting here for oh, one hundred and seventy-eight hours, reading blogs and breathing through my mouth and feeling like Dung On Toast. (I don't even know what that means or why anyone would even consider putting dung on toast but, well, it sounds really, really baaaaad and that is exactly how I feel.) I wanted to bring you something totally hilarious to distract you, you nice readers you, from the fact that I've been reduced to setting a timer for my next hit of cold medicine and the fact that I SOUND so bad that my older daughter, Ana, (10), asked me a question last night and when I answered her, she was AGHAST. "Oh, MOMMY, are you crying? PLEASE don't cry!"

I wasn't crying (thank you, my sweetie), but I appreciate how very, very bad I must sound. I may possibly feel even worse. (Of course, Ana, you do realize you were taking your life in your hands by sneaking up on me this morning and trying to scare me? You're lucky a stream of germs didn't come flying out of my nose.)

Hypochondria, anyone? With a side of whining? Maybe a little drama?

(Oh, hush up.)

While I was on my Stuffy Internet Odyssey, I discovered that my friend Heidi's FreckleStyle website had launched. A few years ago, I wrote a piece for it and then I promptly LOST that piece so I was all amazed to read it myself. Click here to read about my freckle. (Oh, go on, you know you want to.) (That picture was taken in 1997. The only thing that looks remotely the same on me is the freckle.) (Especially right now, given that I have this disfiguring cold. Can I blame the extra thirty pounds on my cold? Why, yes. Yes, I can.)

Tonight, I'm supposed to go to Jane's school and Meet the Teacher. I'm DYING to go meet the teacher because I think I love her madly but what if I give her this cold and then she gives it to all of those bright little kids and the whole classroom is just a sea of misery and it's all my fault? Oh, the humanidy! (Here's a Foul Language Warning if you click on that link.) (Dudes, do you think I caught this cold by visiting Miss Doxie? I knew I should have washed my hands after that story.) Anyway, I don't think I should be introducing MORE germs into the school.

But listen, I feel guilty if you came all the way over here for some humor and are leaving empty-handed. Here's a new website (new to me) that makes me laugh out loud every time. Cake Wrecks. (Now, I know I have posted some pictures of cakes I made that looked a LOT like the cakes on this site but the difference is that these were made by professional cake makers. People make their LIVINGS by making these cakes --it's hilarious.)

Now go wash your hands, quick. With soap.

Comments

Ei said…
I actually WAS using hand sanitizer as I read it. And now I'm craving orange juice...
LizzieK8 said…
Go the the pharmacy counter and ask for Sudafed. That along with Nyquil or Dayquil will really make life easier. But the Sudafed is the key to colds. Seriously.
Sudafed is nice, but I find whining works much better. Or maybe I mean to say wine? Anywhoo, I know about that website Cake Wrecks and I laugh just to see the name! Thank you for your great blog, and hope you feel better quickly.
Miriam said…
"Oh, the humanidy!"

I completely got it wrong before. You are my favorite funny writer. Also heartwarming.

And I don't mean to disagree with LizzieK8, but Sudafed will not helb.

Chicken noodle soup. Garlic. Wasabi? A sauna.Yeah, get Coop to build you a sauna. This will help.
Love the freckle piece!

And, get a neti pot - at this point, it can't hurt.
Marion Gropen said…
I can't recommend any more remedies than I did yesterday, may I suggest a funny web site for cat lovers? http://icanhascheezburger.com After all, laughter really does boost the immune system.

Oh, and DO NOT take echinacea at this time of year, if there's any chance that you're suffering from ragweed allergies (the most common one). Echinacea is a cousin of ragweed, I understand. It might not trigger allergies for the rest of the year, but now? It can make them worse.
CK Holder said…
I needed to laugh out loud. Those cakes were a great way to start my day.

Were you a fan of the Beverly Hillbillys? (Hillbillies?) (Not enough coffee)Anyway, there was an episode where one of the "regular" characters got a cold and Granny cooked up some nasty concoction to "cure" it. Well, the person suffered through the "cure" only to find out that it would still take about a week for it to work.

I think of that when I take whatever I can get my hands on to feel better because I can't get rid of what it is that makes me feel bad. I hope you feel better soon. You made me feel better. Thanks.
Stefanie said…
Looking at the frecklestyle website makes me feel like I have suddenly found my people!

Feel better, Barb. At least allergies don't suck so badly up there!
Mokihana said…
I truly am sorry that you're so miserable. I found Cake Wrecks several weeks ago, and oh my gosh! The things some people come up with!

Hey! I bet you could design a Code Cag! You doe, with dasal spray ad kleedegz and oh... wait. Never mind. Cuz then you'd have to put other... icky stuff on it too.