A Little Lipstick and Maybe No One Will Notice

So, um, despite taking 1.5 Benadryl on the advice of my doctor and going to bed at 8:30 (!) last night, this morning my face is even worse than yesterday. (Hm. I don't think I've ever used the phrase "my face is worse than yesterday" before. Doesn't really roll right off of the tongue, if you know what I mean.) That picture doesn't even do justice to how hideous I look. I would take one in better light but honestly? I don't want to. There are already way too many scary things on the Internet.

But it's a shame because today is Thursday and that's the day I schedule Fun Things. Knit Night happens on Thursdays. Also, today I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend Beth, remember her? When she called this morning, I said, "well, it turns out that I have yet another disfiguring eye issue." She told me to come to lunch anyway because no one would care if I looked like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man (Quick! Name that movie!) and then she said, "You must really be under stress or something."

But that's the thing, I don't FEEL like I'm under huge stress right now. I mean, there are some stressful things in my life--just like anyone's--but nothing really huge. Unless you count the fact that I have to take Jane to a birthday party today and meet a lot of other mothers, most of whom will be frightened if I show up in an eye patch because everyone knows that Talk Like a Pirate Day is in September. (Probably not a good idea to wear an eye patch anyway since with my other eye, I mostly see a huge black spot.)

The thing I don't understand is WHY this year has been the Year of Humiliation for me. I mean, is there some lesson I'm supposed to take from all this? (Pause while we all think of the lessons Barb should have learned this year. Lessons like, "Don't take your feet for granted." Check. "Don't take your EYES for granted." Check, check. Don't take your METABOLISM for granted. Triple check. (And speaking of that, would it really have been all that much trouble for me to have developed something a little more glamorous? Like maybe "Unexplained Weight Loss," I'm thinking. I mean, honestly, if I have to complain about sore feet and swollen eyes, couldn't I do it as a still THIN person? Is it too much to ask that just once, I be able to say, "I don't know, I CAN'T SEEM TO KEEP THE WEIGHT ON." Because really, with the foot and the eye, my non-glamour reading is high enough without this extra weight. I'm just sayin'.) Where was I? Oh, yes, lessons learned.) (As if.)

So, really, later today, I will detail my Tuesday. Which was before I came down with the Hideousness of Death so it will not be nearly as entertaining as THIS post.

Oh, hush. Just hush.

EDITED TO ADD: Okay, so I decided I WOULD go meet Beth for lunch and just, you know, offer to leave if I was putting anyone off her food. So I went upstairs to shower and I stepped on the scale and I had mysteriously LOST TWO POUNDS! Thank you, dear readers! I feel certain this was due to your prayers that I develop something more interesting to talk about than my freaking face. Kisses!


Miriam said…
Barb, you are funny. You know you are funny. But badness happening to you? Not funny. It's just about to turn the corner, right?
Sorry about your eye troubles. But on the bright side...congrats on losing two pounds!
LaDonna said…
Oh oh! Pick me! It's "Ghostbusters"!

I wish I could help with your hives and your eye! But I'm glad to hear you didn't let it keep you from meeting Beth. Let us know how your lunch went, OK?
Suna said…
Congrats on the mysterious weight loss, and I sure hope you figure out what's up with the eye. If I brush my sickly dog, my lips swell up and I look like a duck. That's bad, too, but at least I know the cause.

ENJOY the lunch.
Becca said…
yeah those people who "forget to eat" or "have to eat or they pass out" just piss me off. I get stressed I get fatter.

I hope this eye thing go away quickly. HUG
Katie said…
Hey Barb..Who ya gonna call?? Now I have that song stuck in my brain.

So, terribly sorry about your eye but I will give a big ole "Hell yeah" for the mysterious weight loss.

I hope you have a wonderful time with your friend Beth, you deserve it!!
MadMad said…
So Benadryl? That's it? What's up with that? How come doctors don't know anything anymore?! Well, don't take any before sheep and wool - otherwise you'll sleep right through!
DK said…
You poor thing...

I do hope you went to lunch, and to knit night, anyway.

Hang in there, the year is almost over! 2009? So gonna rock.

- Kate (aka, the Gatekeeper)
TexasPeach said…
I was gonna say Ghostbusters too! Always too late...that's me. I hope your facial problems (that sounds mean doesn't it??) clear up soon..but am I the only one that thinks this pic looks like some celebrity mug shot?? And congrats on the two pounds...don'tcha just love it when you aren't expecting the scale to be nice and it is??
Mrs.Q said…
I wish I'd let my mother take a picture of my eye when it went suddenly all gimpy this summer. Then I would email it to you, so you would know you're not alone. Then again, I still had another functional eye...maybe that's why I didn't lose weight.

I just heard the Ghostbusters theme the other day...how fun!
The swelling will go away, really, honestly. It's a most un-fun thing to have to put up with while it lasts, but it won't last. Meanwhile, be assured that I still envy your complexion and curyly dark hair. It's not fair.

I didn't believe in 'bad patches'. Until it happened to me. Pollen-happy cedars gave me cedar fever for the first time ever. This opened the door to the flu twice in three months, then pneumonia. That winter finally came to an end; I'm hopeful that your bad patch will shrink, in time.
Marie said…
Oh, crap!! I am so sorry.

I have an even worse picture of myself after my eye surgery this July, but I will spare you. When you feel bad about the way you look, it does not help to see someone else truly hideous.

What are They (the medical profession) doing for you besides plying you with Benadryl?

I have had a bad year too (see my blog; oy, I should walk around with my own personal violin player!). But hang in there I do believe things will get better. Focus on those precious girls! :)
AzĂșcar said…
I bet Chanel lipstick would help.

(Just a hunch.)
Bryan Wilde said…
I saw the title of your post and thought it would be funny -- and it was! What a great sense of humor. And what I like about it is that you put yourself out there in words and in living color, for all the world to see and show us how you can laugh at yourself.