A Radical Idea

So, I haven't updated you all about my foot in a few days and I know you're on the edge of your seats wondering WHAT IS GOING ON.

Well.

It's a miracle, as far as I am concerned.

My foot has been taped for almost two weeks now and I am almost entirely without pain. I've been racing around trying to get stuff done, just sure that the pain is out there lying in wait for me, ready to drop-kick my life back to hell. But it hasn't happened.

In fact, the taping has been so successful that my doctor has canceled the surgery to clean out the scar tissue and implant the little thimble-thingy until we see if a simple orthotic (a shoe insert custom-made to hold my foot in a position that prevents it from pronating and crunching bone-on-bone in my ankle area) might be all that is required. At any rate we're going to try it. We can always reschedule the surgery if the orthotic doesn't work.

But I just am... almost without words for the difference a little bit of tape has made to my life. First of all, I don't think it's coincidence that as soon as I confessed to you that I have been in tremendous chronic pain, an answer seemed to arrive. I don't know why I need to learn this lesson again and again but whenever I let myself reach out and admit I need help and comfort, I get miracles.

So, that's ONE lesson.

Another lesson is that I was so mad at my body and myself for daring to be fallible and mortal, I wasn't taking care of any part of myself. Not just eating right and exercising but not doing anything nice for myself at all. I wasn't even KNITTING. I wasn't putting on music and pretending to be Aretha Franklin. I wasn't planning my spring garden or working on my book or any of the things that might have brought me some pleasure even though I was mostly couch-bound.

(To be fair, part of this is that when my pain got so incredibly loud, it sort of drowned out the call of all of those other small pleasures. Y'all, chronic pain is... the big LIFE SUCKING DEATH SCOURGE.) (Not that I feel strongly about this or anything.)

This morning I was standing at my sink, snipping the bottoms off of the large bunch of tulips my husband and children gave me for Valentine's Day, and I felt so peaceful-- this quiet happiness, you know? And I got to thinking about how I never bring myself flowers anymore. It used to be part of my weekly routine that I would put some fresh flowers in my house somewhere and every time I looked at them, I got a little Joy Rush. My husband is the absolute best man on this planet--seriously, I have never heard of anyone better-- at bringing his sweetheart flowers. (That's me, for clarification's sake.) But I used to bring myself a little five dollar pot of something blooming once a week or so. Sometimes it was just basil but more often it was a gerbera daisy or a cheap bunch of sunflowers.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how often we forget to nurture OURSELVES in our daily routines and how important it is. And I had this idea that maybe this week, we could ALL, every last one of us, do some tiny thing for ourselves. I like the idea of a little bunch of flowers but if that doesn't float your boat, you could make yourself one perfect cup of coffee--you know, exactly how you REALLY like it and not settle for too little of this or that in the essence of expedience. And then drink it very consciously while watching the sunrise or set or doing some other type of sun activity.

Or maybe you find a really luscious piece of fruit at the grocery store and bring it home to enjoy, all by yourself, while reading the paper. Or you take one ten minute bath where all you do is soak in the water and feel how it touches your skin and you revel in that fully.

For once in your freaking life, make yourself stop making to-do lists and hurrying through everything.

(Um.)

(Well, okay, that's me. Sorry.)

It just sort of occurred to me how much of our lives are spent drowning out our own needs and desires because they don't seem like worthy uses of our energy and time. We punish ourselves for not measuring up to our own high standards and sometimes, in trying to meet the needs of those around us, we forget to be nice to ourselves.

In my case, it's almost like I feel that I have to get through this enormous to-do list before I can start the LIVING part of life. Like, "I'll enjoy this world when I've lost these 25 pounds, started exercising, gotten my kids through grad school, organize the basement..." and new things keep getting added to that list all the time. I think we, well, *I*, have to consciously take back a little space for myself. To take a few freaking posies and put them in a jar and look at them with pleasure every so often. I can wait to do that until we balance the budget or I can carve out a little priority for me. Just one.

So, some time in the next week, do one small thing just to indulge yourself. I'm not talking about remodeling your kitchen. I'm talking about one tiny thing that you wouldn't ordinarily do for yourself that brings you pleasure when you think about it. Do that thing consciously and with pleasure and setting aside all guilt and multi-tasking and any other distraction. Then report back --I'd really like to know if it recharged your batteries a little bit.

(Now, I have to confess that I really wanted to find some genderless examples of tiny indulgences because I sometimes forget that I have male readers and then I get an e-mail or a comment and I panic, wondering if I've discussed temporary water weight gain or something else that might make members of the male gender uncomfortable. But I couldn't really think of any. So, I'm sorry.)