Monday, June 08, 2009

Unexpected

Today was a really good day.

The puppy slept through the night.

It only rained in the morning.

I got to walk with my friend Donna.

My house is really clean because my mother-in-law is visiting and also, we had an appraiser come by as part of our refinancing so I made sure the house looked really good.

I got to see my spouse in the middle of the day when he brought us all lunch and met with the appraiser.

My younger daughter and I made the best ever mac and cheese (ya'll do not even want to know how many cups of cream and cheese are in it) and she pronounced it, "Perfect!"

I showered before noon.

But I had an unexpected visit from my nemesis today.

This afternoon, my foot started hurting and the more the day wore on, the worse the pain got. Even though I am wearing my orthotics in my running shoes.

And you know what? Just that quickly, I had forgotten what it is like to have that kind of grinding, teeth-clenching, soul-diminishing pain to deal with as a constant.

And just like that? I was back under the Wall of Pain, where the pain is so loud that it's hard to find the goodness in the day.

In people.

In myself.

I have some anti-inflammatory tablets I can take but I've already had a glass of wine so I remembered them too late. The best I can do is to go to bed and pray that tomorrow is better.

I'm pretty sure it will be. I think I just overdid it today between walking and cleaning house.

But it reminded me that some time ago, I resolved not to have gone through this bout with the hopelessness of chronic pain in vain. That I wanted to use my experiences to help others who might be facing the same thing and unable to hear anything over the noise of that pain.

I'm not sure what that looks like or what talents I have that can help but I think I've been called. I was given a reprieve and I feel pretty certain that this is why.

I am listening hard for the "how."

10 comments:

Sue said...

Aw, Barb... I'm so sorry it's back. Stiff upper lip or no, that just sucks.

Candi said...

Oh Barb - I am so sorry that darned foot thing had to spring up and cloud up your day. It brought to mind that old song from my night club days - "Joy and Pain, like sunshine and rain."

I hope tomorrow is better ALL day long.

MadMad said...

Oh, no! That is terrible, Barb! I'm so sorry. I hope it's just some bizarre flare up and that tomorrow things are back to normal.

Miriam said...

Rest and relaxation. I'm ordering some up for you and your foot. Feel better soon!

Susan said...

Sorry to hear about your foot. I hope it's only a temporary set-back. I know what you mean by constant pain. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and I had to think for a while about what was different. It suddenly occurred to me that nothing hurt. For those few minutes, I was surprised because nothing hurt. Of course it didn't last. It was sort of like when your ear pops and you didn't know it was congested. The world is suddenly loud and clear with nothing obstructing your enjoyment of it.

Mrs.Q said...

You already have made a difference, Barb.

I hope the foot feels better tomorrow!

Marion Gropen said...

Barb,

I'm adding to the chorus of sympathy. I'm crossing my fingers that you woke up with no pain at all.

You do make a difference, just by sharing.

There are, however, organizations already set up to help fund research on chronic pain, if that's what you want to work on.

Another idea: you could donate some of your books, to hospital wards and care centers for those who suffer from chronic pain. (There are a lot of chronic pain specialists in the NYC area.)

Or, you could write a book of your patented humor and dedicate it to those who have chronic pain. You could even donate some or all of the royalties to a foundation that supports the research. If you do that, I suspect you could get your publisher to donate as well.

Personally, I think you should write. It's a gift, and one that isn't all that common, to be able to be funny and uplifting in print. (And, given that I've been in book publishing for 18 years now, I may know what I'm talking about there. You really are good.)

Becca said...

oh no! rest it and remember there is always the tape solution too...it's not forever.

But finding a way to help people in chronic pain would be great!!!

Susan said...

Oh no! I hope you can sleep and feel better tomorrow and that you find your way to help others - though I expect you blog does that, too.

Marie said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Barb. The crappy weather could have something to do with it. It is just beyond miserable to have that all encompassing pain.

I just had my second shoulder surgery, to scrape out junk caused by the first surgery last year to repair the fracture. This was supposed to relieve the ever-present pain I had been experiencing.

Now it's six weeks later and I am in even worse constant pain. The doctor just told me that he thinks this is an immune reaction related to my MS. So I think he is saying there is no solution, but I was afraid to ask.

Sigh. I hate having a body. I wish I was just a blob of ectoplasm. Having said that, I have to admit I have no idea what ectoplasm is. lol But its got to be better than what I've got.

Feel better soon!