Anger
When Ana was tiny --REALLY tiny--like maybe not even a year old, I worked with her to identify her emotions by name. One day, she was angry when I put her down for a nap and when I came back in to get her up several hours later she looked right at me and said, "ANGER." She was still mad!
I feel like maybe I should have some sort of flashing red sign right now that says that.
ANGER!
This morning, as I was going through Jane's backpack before school, I found this:
I've been on a slow burn ever since.
Today is the tenth day of school.
On the fourth day of school, Jane's teacher made her re-do work she'd already completed, saying there was no way she could have done it thoroughly enough. When Jane got home from school, she complained of a headache and a stomach ache.
On the fifth day of school, Jane came home early with a stomach ache and headache. I took her to the doctor who found nothing.
On the sixth day of school, Jane stayed home sick.
On the seventh day of school, my husband and I met with her teacher (I wore make-up and my pearls!) and spent an hour talking about how
A) our child responds better to positive reinforcement and will gladly walk through fire for you if she thinks you love her and she loves you back. We talked about how our last year's teacher was wonderful at showing this and how well Jane performed for her. We showed her a stack of Jane's stories and drawings. We hoped that she would get a glimpse of the positive force that is Jane Cooper --because honestly, a positive Jane Cooper is a lot easier to have around that a negative one.
B) she does process very quickly so you can trust her when she says she's completed her work
C) to please stop yelling at her (we're from the South, there is a very different method of communication up here and we think people are yelling at us who are merely having a normal conversation so when people REALLY yell, it tends to makeusme
D) we take education and educators very seriously and would like for this to be a very positive relationship.
And then on day Nine, the teacher wrote this:
Is it really so hard to be civil and respectful when communicating with a nine-year-old?
I understand the need for full headings in school, despite the fact that Jane is the only Jane in her class. I understand the need for adherence to structure.
What I do not understand is how this teacher, who is pressed for time with 26 kids in her class, would choose to write a belittling and sarcastic note on a child's paper when a simple, "last name?" would have sufficed. I just don't understand how any educator could think that yelling and sarcasm will lead to a classroom full of happy, eager-to-learn children. What is really the goal here? To have them blindly follow rules without question or deviation, or to create an environment where kids can learn?
We have been blessed with many good, caring, respectful, motivated and inspired teachers over the course of our public school journey. These are people I honestly felt were working in concert with me to educate and love my kids --who saw their bright little faces and wanted them to have every possible resource to learn and succeed. Maybe if I hadn't had them for my kids, I wouldn't be so appalled and frustrated now. I've seen great, inspired teaching and I have seen the opposite.
We're working on a different solution for Jane. I just hope she isn't bullied to the point of having her spirit broken first.
Say it with me now: "ANGER."
I feel like maybe I should have some sort of flashing red sign right now that says that.
ANGER!
This morning, as I was going through Jane's backpack before school, I found this:
I've been on a slow burn ever since.
Today is the tenth day of school.
On the fourth day of school, Jane's teacher made her re-do work she'd already completed, saying there was no way she could have done it thoroughly enough. When Jane got home from school, she complained of a headache and a stomach ache.
On the fifth day of school, Jane came home early with a stomach ache and headache. I took her to the doctor who found nothing.
On the sixth day of school, Jane stayed home sick.
On the seventh day of school, my husband and I met with her teacher (I wore make-up and my pearls!) and spent an hour talking about how
A) our child responds better to positive reinforcement and will gladly walk through fire for you if she thinks you love her and she loves you back. We talked about how our last year's teacher was wonderful at showing this and how well Jane performed for her. We showed her a stack of Jane's stories and drawings. We hoped that she would get a glimpse of the positive force that is Jane Cooper --because honestly, a positive Jane Cooper is a lot easier to have around that a negative one.
B) she does process very quickly so you can trust her when she says she's completed her work
C) to please stop yelling at her (we're from the South, there is a very different method of communication up here and we think people are yelling at us who are merely having a normal conversation so when people REALLY yell, it tends to make
D) we take education and educators very seriously and would like for this to be a very positive relationship.
And then on day Nine, the teacher wrote this:
Is it really so hard to be civil and respectful when communicating with a nine-year-old?
I understand the need for full headings in school, despite the fact that Jane is the only Jane in her class. I understand the need for adherence to structure.
What I do not understand is how this teacher, who is pressed for time with 26 kids in her class, would choose to write a belittling and sarcastic note on a child's paper when a simple, "last name?" would have sufficed. I just don't understand how any educator could think that yelling and sarcasm will lead to a classroom full of happy, eager-to-learn children. What is really the goal here? To have them blindly follow rules without question or deviation, or to create an environment where kids can learn?
We have been blessed with many good, caring, respectful, motivated and inspired teachers over the course of our public school journey. These are people I honestly felt were working in concert with me to educate and love my kids --who saw their bright little faces and wanted them to have every possible resource to learn and succeed. Maybe if I hadn't had them for my kids, I wouldn't be so appalled and frustrated now. I've seen great, inspired teaching and I have seen the opposite.
We're working on a different solution for Jane. I just hope she isn't bullied to the point of having her spirit broken first.
Say it with me now: "ANGER."
Comments
I'm so sorry that this is happening, blemishing a fresh new school year. I know you're going to get a lot of suggestions about what to do, how to escalate -- but I'm glad that you're actually just right now feeling the emotions together. It's really empowering for a kid to be believed when there's a problem at school. I'm glad you're able to do that for her.
This teacher obviously doesn't have aspirations of being one of those "cherished" teachers who gets remembered at the podium. You know what I mean? When the award winning auther says "I'd like to say thank you to my wonderful family for encouraging me through the years and for my 5th (fifth?) grade teacher who taught me to always write my full name on everything I wrote so that nobody would ever plagiarize me".
I feel for you too. Not fun. Best of luck in deciding how to proceed, and in getting it all sorted out.
Good luck, Barb!
Sarah S
In my opinion, this is blatant lack of respect. Why should it be okay to be disrespectful to children when you wouldn't dare be that way to adults? I spent most of my career preaching respect to my students - respect for others (whether or not you like them), respect for everyone's strengths and weaknesses, respect for authority (when it doesn't turn around and disrespect you back!!), respect for others' belongings, etc.
In an atmosphere as toxic as the one you are describing, disrespect takes over and the kids start being horrid to each other too. A school year of your daughter's life is too long to leave her in there.
I am angry now too :-)
When Ana was in first grade, I left her in a class with a teacher who not only wasn't a good teacher, she was also mean-spirited. (I called her Ms. Bra Strap because she used to wear her bra strap hanging down her arm like some sort of fashion accessory.) The biggest regret of my entire parenting career (and I have made some WHOPPERS of mistakes) is that I didn't remove Ana as soon as it became clear that the environment was abusive and doing Ana harm. Coop agrees that we will NEVER let that happen again.
It's very disheartening. We bought this house and moved into this area because of the schools and we've just had one bad experience after another. I didn't think any of them were damaging to my kids before this one, though.
Hope you can get her into a better situation lickety split!
If the principal isn't willing to move her to another class, then there's not much you CAN do, except yank her into another school or homeschool her. And you already know that either option is going to be not only expensive but disruptive and difficult in its own way.
On the other hand, you can't leave a child in a situation where things just aren't working. I have a situation like that at the moment with my own (fifth grade) daughter. We are suing the school system because they require us to do so before they'll pay for the private school that can address her disability and giftedness simultaneously. I only wish we had done something like this earlier.
Gifted kids, as your two obviously are, need to be tended as much as any other kid. And our schools truly aren't set up for that in NY state. It's not PC, doncha know.
Go get'em!
Lots of Love, Tenna
OTOH teachers are the hardest working people on the planet. To go home and grade 25+ papers...and then have to take an extra couple minutes to record the grade because a kid couldn't be bothered to put her last name on the paper? I dunno -- I'd be ready to take points off.
I now teach at the college level, and see the entitlement these kids expect. It does not help them in the long run. For one thing, it makes it much harder in college. I'm soft-spoken and respectful. But it seems to come to me often that I have to be the line in the sand. No, it doesn't matter how many hours you studied, or how much your mom thinks it is unfair. If you don't learn the material then you do not pass.
So good luck with private school. But do keep in mind that teaching a child to respect a teacher is a good thing.
Believe me, I have the utmost respect for teachers and their work loads. All four of the my kids' grandparents are educators. NONE of them would ever address a student with such blatant disrespect. Furthermore, if someone larger than you, and in a position of power, demeans you, isn't that usually called BULLYING?
The reason I wrote about this subject is because, as my friend Tiff says, "Bullies thrive in secret, by attacking those they perceive as vulnerable when they think no one else is looking. Sunlight is good."
Devereaux lost points because he didn't put his last name on a paper yesterday too (it was not mean like that though). Poor kid was frustrated and said, "Mom, do you think you could have given me a shorter name so I could fit it all on the line?!?" :) I'm evil you know. I planned that all out 11 years ago so he'd lose one point on his science quiz in the 6th grade.
I hope your private school experience is awesome.
Good luck.
The private school proved to be a boon for him (at least in the early years) - smaller classes, teachers who worked with him on his strengths and the bonus for him was that the school instituted gender separation in 4th grade (it's great for girls - but in our experience, was WONDERFUL for boys). I hope your experience is the same and that Jane finds the joy that strong teaching and intellectual stimulation brings to bright kids.
Good for you!!
I have taught in public and private schools, so realize that private schools will have their own issues (although really awful teachers aren't usually one of them because teachers don't have tenure - I know a whole other issue!)
I would recommend making a quick change. My friend's son had this sort of teacher last year. She has now changed schools and says her son is just now getting back to being himself. She regrets not doing more last year to help her child (also a gifted kid). Good luck!
Mean teachers suck. Good for you for doing something about it.