I love New Year's Eve.
Especially THIS year, which has been one of the most significant, hardest, and happiest years of my life. I'm telling y'all, if I keep the momentum I've gained in 2012, I fully expect that by the end 2012, I will be able to FLY. You just watch me!
I quit drinking officially on New Year's Day 2011.
I found yoga and fell down a lot.
I lost weight.
I found acupuncture and broke my toe.
I began to deal with the scars of having lived with chronic pain for so long.
I walked down the beach.
I celebrated my yogaversary.
I took my yoga to an entirely new level. (Well, I'm TRYING to do that, anyway.) (Today I went to the Power class at 9:30. I came home so spent, I had to nap before I could even clean my kitchen.)
Amidst all of my personal growth and gratitude, our family sold our house, moved to a rental, enrolled BOTH girls in private school, took some trips, planted a garden, decluttered a large amount of useless stuff (well, we're TRYING to do that, anyway) and in general, found a new rhythm to our life here in New York.
It's been an extraordinary year.
I've loved looking back at it. It wasn't an EASY year, really. I feel sort of like I am emerging from the cocoon I've been in for the past five or so years. Yes, I feel like I am coming into my own--becoming the butterfly I was meant to be.
It turns out that becoming a butterfly? Is pretty dang PAINFUL.
No one tells you that part.
It's painful for everyone. I feel like I've been renegotiating the terms of all of my relationships. I am less of a pleaser, but kinder. I am fundamentally changed by having lived with chronic pain--in ways I don't fully understand yet.
Recently, I realized that I spend a lot of my time living in fear. I am afraid of embarrassment. I am afraid of pain. I am afraid of exerting my own will/opinion/freaky sense of humor on others for fear they won't like me, or respond positively. Part of my growth process for 2012 is to step out of that fear. To feel it, acknowledge it and send it packing.
So, that's it, really. That's my resolution for 2012. I'm letting go of fear as often as I possible can. To put myself out there as big as life, risking rejection and falling down (yoga) and making mistakes. 2012 is MY year.
Watch me fly. I dare you to come with me.
I DOUBLE-DOG dare you.