No Fear in 2012

I love New Year's Eve.

Especially THIS year, which has been one of the most significant, hardest, and happiest years of my life. I'm telling y'all, if I keep the momentum I've gained in 2012, I fully expect that by the end 2012, I will be able to FLY.  You just watch me!

To recap:
I quit drinking officially on New Year's Day 2011.
I found yoga and fell down a lot.
I lost weight.
I found acupuncture and broke my toe.
I began to deal with the scars of having lived with chronic pain for so long.
I walked down the beach.
I celebrated my yogaversary.
I took my yoga to an entirely new level. (Well, I'm TRYING to do that, anyway.) (Today I went to the Power class at 9:30.  I came home so spent, I had to nap before I could even clean my kitchen.)

Amidst all of my personal growth and gratitude, our family sold our house, moved to a rental, enrolled BOTH girls in private school, took some trips, planted a garden, decluttered a large amount of useless stuff (well, we're TRYING to do that, anyway) and in general, found a new rhythm to our life here in New York.

It's been an extraordinary year.

I've loved looking back at it.  It wasn't an EASY year, really.  I feel sort of like I am emerging from the cocoon I've been in for the past five or so years.  Yes, I feel like I am coming into my own--becoming the butterfly I was meant to be.

It turns out that becoming a butterfly?  Is pretty dang PAINFUL.

No one tells you that part.

It's painful for everyone. I feel like I've been renegotiating the terms of all of my relationships.  I am less of a pleaser, but kinder.  I am fundamentally changed by having lived with chronic pain--in ways I don't fully understand yet.

Recently, I realized that I spend a lot of my time living in fear.  I am afraid of embarrassment.  I am afraid of pain.  I am afraid of exerting my own will/opinion/freaky sense of humor on others for fear they won't like me, or respond positively.  Part of my growth process for 2012 is to step out of that fear.  To feel it, acknowledge it and send it packing.

So, that's it, really.  That's my resolution for 2012.  I'm letting go of fear as often as I possible can.  To put myself out there as big as life, risking rejection and falling down (yoga) and making mistakes.  2012 is MY year.

Watch me fly.  I dare you to come with me.

I DOUBLE-DOG dare you.


Judy said…
Well I'm still working on my guiding force from my Arbitrary New Year (which I believe was your idea last spring - my guiding word was "Green" by the way). I do understand moving toward fearless living. Having somewhere lost my fear of financial insecurity this past year, I find my bank account is never as empty as it use to be, and I am never afraid of not having enough. This is huge for me, and in keeping with the "green" theme, too. Thank you for your insight - thank you for sharing your challenges and your bravery. Your courage continues to inspire me as it has for many years now (since you were "keeper of the permanent markers").

Hugs for 2012 and beyond!
Mrs. G. said…
Happy New Year, my flying friend! You have had quite a year, and somehow you make it all look doable. xxoox
This strikes a chord with me, although our issues are not the same. I feel fundamentally changed, also, and the process has been painful, especially since I sort of miss the old me. Although, I find her incredibly naive, too. You just can't go back to "before."

But I've found the pain I've experienced makes me care so much less about what anyone thinks about me or about anything, I guess. So that's a good thing, I think. Hopefully, I'll find more good things this year. I'm not really at the gratitude stage yet.
tanita✿davis said…
I feel like I've been renegotiating the terms of all of my relationships.

...YES. I keep wondering if this is an "turning 40" thing or what. I suddenly wonder about what is true, and what is habit, and what I should bother with at all...

As a person who lives in perpetual angst, I wonder if for me fearlessness wouldn't lead to hubris... It feels safer to have an anxiety attack about everything, somehow... but there's habit popping up again.

Looking forward to looking up from my Learner's Nest (the low nest they push baby birds out of) to watch you fly.
Barb Matijevich said…
I think it IS safer to live making sure everyone else is okay. I think, in some ways, it's EASIER than standing out there, trying to achieve a balance pose on my perpetually broken foot. It would be a lot easier to go hide my brokenness--it's a lot easier to never tell my story, rather than risk derision or disbelief of my tiny truth.

Two days ago, I met someone whose life was made better by reading my blog. A chronic pain sufferer who actually said to me, "Thank you for writing. Your blog got me through some really long, terrible nights." I often wonder if what I am doing is helping anyone, or why the heck I do it. It would be so much easier not to put myself out there.

The fact that something I did through BRAVERY helped someone is...just...HUGE. Mind-boggling. And, I think, a calling to do more, be bigger, tell my freaking story LOUDLY.

Because, in the end, after all of the despair and tears, it is a story of hope. I would love to feel that I can give that to others.
michiganme said…
"Because, in the end, after all of the despair and tears, it is a story of hope. I would love to feel that I can give that to others."

Sounds like a great story, sounds like a great book!
WKH said…
The last time somebody double-dog dared me to do something, I was teaching a class of 7-year-olds at Vacation Bible School. My co-teacher dared me to do the Cancan for the kids, including my son. You can't leave that there. So I did it, tore my ACL, and ended up with knee surgery. Worst VBS injury ever.

This year I am following Micah 6:6-8. "Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." About all I can handle. But I will also try yoga this year.
Ei said…
Dear Barb,
You've always looked like a butterfly to me, but I'll take your word for it, because you never fail to inspire me. I have decided to have a trying year. As in...I'm going to try things, even when they scare me. I'm going to try on hats that I think make me look silly (metaphorically and literally). I'm going to try to be the person I think I can be. I'm going to try to love more and be kinder. And I'm going to try to be thankful for every moment of every day.

One of my friends from church lost her life to lung cancer in the first hours of 2012. She leaves an amazing husband and two beautiful daughters and if her passing taught me anything it is that every moment matters.
Mrs.Q said…
I'll take that dare! Thouhh I'm secretly hoping that for me, it's not so much flying as running 5K through the mud with a viking helmet on...
Susan said…
I do fear trying yoga becauseI am obrse and also have knee problems which make it problematic to do many of the things I see the yoga class doing. However - I am going to meet with one of the instructors and have a chat about taking classes and how to adjust for my issues.

My sister finally took some steps to deal with her chronic pain and is already amazed at the differences in her attitude and relationships. It is so all consuming and I am so happy for both of you working your way to wellness.