Barb v52.0

So, you know how two weeks or so ago, I wrote about The New FULF which I assumed was my lower back? And I wrote about how sometimes we internalize stress in our bodies and it manifests as pain/illness? And I talked about how I am learning so much about neurobiology and the intersection between mind, body and spirit? And how I wanted to share what I was learning?

And then I didn't write anything for more than two weeks.

Because, um, I had a mammogram and it came back abnormal.

So, I went for the 3D follow-up. I had a couple of scans and then they looked at those and made me do a couple more and then a woman named Valencia, who, I'm not kidding, introduced herself as the "Breast Navigator," led me into a nicely appointed consultation room and the radiologist himself came to talk to me about my scans. There's definitely something there. Which could be just calcium spots, everyone was very quick to assure me --it's the most common cause.

I did not freak out. (Much.)

Then my doctor sent me to talk to a surgeon to determine what kind of biopsies I need. The surgeon looked at the scans and did an ultrasound and then walked me through worst case scenario, which is that the spots are cancer.  They are tiny, so worst case is a lumpectomy and radiation. So, I still shouldn't be freaking out because we don't know anything for sure yet, and even if it's bad news, we've caught it so early that it's highly treatable. 

But, you know, I had a little freakout anyway. (I know you're shocked.) I'd been doing this Intermittent Fasting thing and I broke my fast by having a Constant Chocolate Feasting thing. Oh, also? Bread. Dairy and gluten make me feel really pukey, so that was followed by the Persistent Feeling Terrible, with a side of Non-Productive Guilt.

And then I decided to get off my rear and stop wallowing. 

For the past few months, well, since I moved into my own place, I've been kind of treading water. Trying to stay afloat after the many devastating events of the past twelve months. I told myself I was healing and allowing myself the grace of time to come to terms with a new normal. I stepped off of my mat. I drank some wine. I played solitaire. I watched Grey's Anatomy (again.) I recognize that I chose inactivity as a way to find my way back to stillness. It was beneficial, but it came at a price. 

I'm done with that now. I have a lot to do and you know when the practice administrator hands you paperwork and asks you to check and make sure the information is correct? My paperwork said I was 52! My initial response was, "Well, that's a mistake." And then, "Oh. Oh, yeah." So, I have a lot to do and I'm 52 and I need to GET STARTED. 


I've come back from complete devastation before, so I know what I am capable of. And this is not that, even worst case scenario. So, regardless of the results of the biopsies, I'm drawing a line in the sand. Barb Version 52.0 starts today with a small yoga practice of gratitude, some clean eating, and a lot of cold clear water. (Also, a little coffee for the safety of everyone.)

And YEAH, I know. 

I'm tired, too. 

But it is the ultimate privilege of my life that I can freaking start over every day. Multiple times a day if needed. All the best things in my life have come from being knocked down and getting back up again. All of the best revelations have come during that time of uncertainty, when the road ahead is shrouded in mist and I have to respond to the calling from my own heart. That still small voice --all of the best things come from listening to it.

Easter seems like the perfect day for new beginnings borne out of old suffering. Have a blessed day, dear ones, and I will keep you posted.

--Barb, Life Navigator


psam ordener said…
Hang in there, love. BDTD (cancer scare). If it is you've caught it very early. You'll be fine. Hugs!
Brian P said…
Praying for you friend. Easter doesn't eliminate fear or uncertainty, but finally those things will not have the last word.
Ei said…
Much love Barb. I have many thoughts and slow thumbs so I'll leave it at that.
Karen Stopnicki said…
Oh, geez. Just hang in there and hopefully this whole thing is a scare only and nothing more. But if it is, you caught it early and that is the good news. Today Dan Rather shared: "Easter, for me, has become my favorite and most meaningful spiritual time, because personally it resonates so deeply with thoughts of love, hope and renewal." And that is what I am thinking for you... love, hope and renewal.
Judy Lee said…
I wasn't going to comment, but then I read what Karen posted above ... "Love, hope and renewal," and I couldn't not share. My personal commitment of late is to show up at church every Sunday. I'm not a very churchy person, but I've found a pastor I really like ... like a lot ... and I've been in church for the past 20 Sundays in a row. Today he talked about not letting distress lead to distrust. I'm reminded how powerful it is to hold onto Hope. She's such a dear friend. I'm holding onto hope and warm healing thoughts for you <3
Carrie said…
You can do hard things. Hugs and prayers.
Rosie C said…

Thank you for writing, I am praying and sending good thoughts your way! As a coincidence I'm also in a similar spot for different reasons than you but if it helps any I'm starting rc version 54.0 and after reading just your first quote I took a run this morning outside for the first time in a long while, I will keep working if you do! I may need a few chocolates still though is that okay?
Rosie (meeusea)
susan said…
Yes. Each day is a chance to start anew. Walk our journey. Stop to breathe. Look at the world from new perspectives, like, oh, upside-down. ... Sending love.
Anonymous said…
Hang in there - tomorrow is another day and having lost a few folks who I consider peers (and I am younger than you), it is truly a privilege to have that day, even if it brings challenges.

tanita✿davis said…
Bless you for recognizing the privilege of freaking out for a while, and then putting oneself briskly back in order (or the beginnings of such). I am pulling for you so hard, Barb. SO hard. Sending hugs and praying.
Anonymous said…
Barb, I know you've got this. But I'm holding you in love and light anyway, because I'm sure that can't hurt.

-- Dan B. 55.42
Becca said…
Barb, I'm certain you will come through this, too. My mom had breast cancer before her divorce from my step dad. Later, she had to battle leukemia, and did so well that she outlived her oncologist! You are also a strong woman, and I'll be holding you up in prayer now, and in the months to come. You're an amazing person, Barb! Did you ever hear the story about the kid who was so happy that he got a huge pile of manure? He was asked why and he said, "I know there must be a pony in here somewhere!" It's high time you got your pony!