Life is Messy

So, it's breast cancer.

Which is a really big scary word for a couple of tiny cancerous cells in my left breast.

It's not life threatening.

I don't have to do chemotherapy.

It'll be a lumpectomy and maybe radiation, and I'll keep you posted. I haven't even talked to the surgeon yet since I only received the official diagnosis at 4:45 yesterday afternoon. I talked to the doctor, talked to a few of the important people who needed to know, and then I went to class as usual.

I'm honestly not worried about it.  Well, I'm a LITTLE worried about it, because it involves surgery and there is risk with every surgery.  But I'm not too worried about the Cancer part of things. This is why we have yearly screenings-- so we can catch it this early when we have all of the options in front of us and they all lead to healing.

(And speaking of that: you're getting your yearly mammogram, right? I mean, if you have breasts, please do that. It's important.)

When the doctor called with the news, he said, "You're really handling this remarkably well." And I thought, "Dude. I've been through worse."

The last 18 months of my life alone have held worse. My older child was catastrophically ill in February of last year and we had a really hard time figuring out what was going on. I can't imagine dealing with anything worse than watching my child suffer right in front of me while I was powerless to help and felt generally unsupported in seeking healing for her. I think that experience will always out-misery any other experience in my life. This is not that.

We know what this is.

It's treatable.

And it's a wake-up call. Life is short and messy. Things happen that are tragic and things happen that are beautiful beyond our dreams.

I'm redoubling my efforts to chase the latter.


hokgardner said…
I'm so sorry, Barb. Holding you in the light.
Unknown said…
Prayers for you!! I'm glad it was caught early.
Lynn said…
A childbirth word may have escaped my lips just now. Sending you love and prayers, my sister of the heart.
Your strength knows no limits. You got this.
Anonymous said…
Love love love you and your positive attitude!!! Soooo thankful you caught it early. ❤️❤️
Anonymous said…
We don't know our depths until we plumb them. You have a deep well of life and courage. Command them.
Ei said…
Excellent attitude, but I'm not surprised. You are sort of my role model for that.

I know it won't be life threatening, but please remember to take time to take care of yourself. Ask for help and take it please.

I'll come down to Austin to kick your hind end if you don't. :)
Barb Matijevich said…
Ei, you should come just to visit! --Barb
Barb Matijevich said…
Lynn, you made me laugh out loud!!! I confess, I had a moment myself. I mean, seriously??
tanita✿davis said…
Well... dang it. And yet: it's treatable, you know what it is, there are no looming questions of "what is this" and there's a path ahead. I feel you on the certainty; I've HAD illnesses which have baffled doctors and this is much, much better.

But, I know it's also a little teensy bit scary, and so my prayer is that your certainty will kick in, in those quieter dark moments, that you will know that you are not alone, that you are held in larger hands, and that the universe is breathing with you.

Lane said…
Barb, I went into cancer surgery 53 years ago, like you, "knowing" I was going to be okay. I had no worries at all. And all did turn out okay. Now, looking back, it seems hardly a blip on my screen of life. Seeing the same for you.
Lynn z. said…
Sending you prayers of healing and strength. Said a few bad words as well, but hey i'm human. You got this my friend.