Meet Stan

So, I've decided to give the enormous fatigue that has descended on me since my surgeries a name.

Readers, meet Stan.

Stan is a big guy--I'm guessing 300 pounds or so --but agile. He likes to jump on my shoulders when I'm standing in line or in the kitchen and I can feel the immense pressure, making it hard for me to lift my feet and get to a chair or a bed. Picture him like Stanley Kowalski, constantly yelling, "Barbarrrrraaa!! BARBARRRRAAAAA!" at me when I'm trying to get something--ANYTHING --done.

I have kind of a love/hate thing with Stan.

Because, while he's a figment of my imagination, the fatigue is real and so palpable that it can't be ignored. Rest is an integral part of recovery, and I am so, so, SO bad at it.

The thing is, I've been warned that it's likely to get worse during the radiation, so I'm hoping to rest up so that I can trade Stan in for a kinder, gentler version. (Maybe a Flat Stan --hah.) (Oh, you know you laughed/groaned.) (You did, right?)

I've been thinking about dropping my classes this semester. I knew I was going to miss the first two weeks, but one of my classes is mostly on-line and the other is taught by a professor I've had three times who knows my work ethic and knows I can catch up. Unfortunately, on Thursday, for class three, I drove to campus during rush hour traffic and by the time I got there, I was in so much pain and so miserable that I just burst into tears and came home again.

To be fair, I'd had to have an entire seam of stitches resewn at the doctor's office on Tuesday because it wasn't healing well and the seatbelt is an instrument of torture on fresh breast stitches*, but also, I was feeling every little bump in the road. Plus the original stitches --at least a hundred of them--are dissolving and falling out and leaving this very new, tender skin behind that stings like crazy when I sweat and it's June in Austin. Wow, I was so miserable. It was just too soon.

Next week I have two papers due and I MUST finish this small freelance project I am overdue on. But Stan is looking at me with bedroom eyes...and I just don't know.

I'm so tired.

*Try saying that five times fast.


Anonymous said…
Hugs, Barb.
You will get through this. Whether you drop the courses for Stan or slam Stan against the wall as you finish the course(s), it'll be right for you. Best of luck, sweetie.

Stan loves you. He knows you need rest.
hokgardner said…
Drop the class. Seriously, drop the class. Ignoring Stan will just make it harder to recover. In the grand scheme of things, taking a summer semester off is small potatoes.

Let me know how I can help. I can bring a meal or just come and sit and silence and knit.
Deb Finch said…
If you decide to drop all the courses, ask for a medical withdrawal and get a note from your doctor. At our university, if you have one, they will refund any money paid.
Judy Lee said…
Stan really seems to have your best interest at heart. He reminds you of things you might otherwise overlook. I like Stan :)

I've mentioned wheatgrass juice before. I could really help with your energy needs. Hippocrates Health Institute here in West Palm Beach has written loads about its healing properties. just search wheatgrass on their website. It's a beautiful thing <3
Susan T said…
Drop the class(es), listen to Stan, rest. a couple chick flicks with me at some time the summer :)
It sounds like a love/hate relationship with Stan. I want to tell him off because you have things you want to be doing, but at the same time he is looking out for you. (And since I just returned from Canada, I'm really resisting the desire to put an "eh?" at the end of my sentences.)
If Stan is telling you to sleep right now and can help you with grief and loss, I say he's a really good guy and you should listen to him.
tanita✿davis said…
Sheesh, Stan moved in with me in my late twenties, and only rarely goes on vacation.
I don't know; my love/hate is usually hate. But - sometimes he's right.

Darn it.
I know you don't want to hear that...

Be well, friend. Whatever that takes, whatever that means to you.
Rosie C said…
Sending lots of healing in the vibes of strength!

Gentle hugs Barb,