Love (My Spastic, Stupid Life) Thursday

Y'all are just not going to believe the day I had today.

No, really. I think you'll say, "There is no way that happened." And then you will say, "But who could make that story up?" And then you will say, "Barb needs a new category for this post. I'd like to suggest she use 'My Life Is SO STUPID.'"

The thing is...the day dawned with many good things possible because I actually showered. In fact, I was showered, dressed in a new outfit and had MAKE-UP on.

See, I had a date. I was going to meet my friend Beth for coffee. Well, really, she's sort of Lin's friend but now that Lin is in Colorado, I'm trying to date her. In, you know, a friendship kind of way. Making new friends is a LOT like dating. You wear your best clothes and make-up and you hope that people won't quite yet discover that mostly you walk around in clothes with paint on them, wondering if you brushed your teeth that morning.

Anyway, I talked to Beth and she said she had another friend who wanted to meet me and could we go to lunch instead of meeting for coffee? This ended up being fortuitous because Sydney had another one of those heart episodes and I had a lot of really gross stuff to clean up. Which is what I like to do when I am dressed in a new outfit and wearing make-up. Plus, the crying, of course. Which isn't that fun, given that I had mascara on.

But the other reason this was fortuitous is because I have had this, well, spot in front of my right eye for a few days now. It's like a little gray spot directly in my path of vision. Last night, I did that incredibly dumb Google the Symptoms thing and found out that I either had Zazam Sheriff Phillips syndrome (this is a real eye disorder, y'all, associated with mental retardation and well, you know how the jury is still out on that with me) or maybe, RETINAL DETACHMENT.

People.

I am all about detachment. But not so much for the RETINAS. Retinas should really stay firmly ATTACHED, I think.

So the next day, when I had a little extra time before my date, I went to the eye doctor and told them to please look at my eye and just rule out that Zazam Sheriff Phillips syndrome and while they were at it, could they please reassure me that my retinas were still firmly attached.

To do this, the doctor had to dilate my eyes.

"Well, that's okay," I thought. "I only have to drive a few miles to get to my lunch, so I'm sure that would work out just fine."

The doctor put the drops in. I knitted on my current sock in progress while they were taking effect.

Then the doctor came back in and looked at my eye through a big eye machine that she had swabbed with alcohol so as not to catch my forehead germs and she said, "Oh, wow. Look at that. Yeah, that's not good."

Turns out there is some sort of fluid around my retina that really should not be there. (Gosh darn it, even my EYES are retaining water!)

So, she wanted to send me to see a specialist and she meant right that very second because, hello, my eyes were dilated.

So, I am going to drive to a neighboring town that I have never been to, with my eyes dilated and unable to read street signs in this foreign land called Long Island which has, seriously, some of the worst drivers I have ever seen. Also, my GPS unit was sitting on the counter at home.

I stared at her.

"You don't have a driver, right?" she asked, hopefully.

"Ah. No." (As if.)

"Well, um, be careful out there."

Oh, yeah, well, okay then.

It's 11:25 and at this point, I am still harboring some faint little hope that I might make my lunch.

Nah, it's not going to happen is it?

So, because I didn't have any of Beth's phone numbers with me, I called Lin. In Colorado. Because I've always heard that if you need to cancel a lunch date that's about a half a mile from where you are, you should call your friend in Colorado.

Lame.

I couldn't reach Lin but time was of the essence because my eyes were dilated and that would soon be wearing off and we wouldn't want that to happen just when I'm about to drive my gazillion pound vehicle in a lot of traffic, now would we?

The drive up to Smithtown was actually fairly uneventful, except for the fact that I had to wear my sunglasses OVER my regular glasses and periodically at red lights, I had to take both of those off to read the directions and then peer all about until I realized that I didn't have my glasses on and maybe THAT'S why I couldn't see.

I got to the doctor's office where other hilarious things ensued because those people have no senses of humor and I was maniacally cracking jokes in that little way I have when I get nervous. Also, there was no cell-phone reception which meant that to keep making harassing phone calls to Lin, I had to stand in the hall on one leg with one arm stretched up to the ceiling. Plus, there were a lot more machines that had to be swabbed down with alcohol. (My forehead will never break out again!) And another doctor said, "Well, wow, will you look at that!" and I think I injured myself by trying to roll my eyes. Because, dude, "Look?"

And after all that, it turns out that I have to go see another specialist on Monday, so that should be fun. (Coop's going to drive me because he was not all that amused by this story.)

I left with enough time to drive as quickly as I dared in time to get Ana (10) from school. On the way, Lin called. (My last message to her just said, "Duuuude, where ARRRRRE you?") and it turns out she'd been on a field trip with her kids.

Damn her. How dare she be unavailable to coordinate my social life from another complete state??

Anyway, I was giving her the whole story when all of a sudden, there was a police officer behind me. It is illegal to drive in New York while talking on a cell phone so I hung up quickly, put my hands at ten and two and drove on as close to the speed limit as people would allow without honking.

And then it hit me.

Dudes, imagine if he had pulled me over! My eyes were dilated big enough to look like flying saucers and I was wearing a pair of sunglasses over my regular glasses and I had mascara in my EARS. I started to giggle and then to really, really laugh. Can you imagine?? I would have SO been going straight to jail. "Yes OF COURSE I am totally sober. Why do you ask?"

So, at that point, I am driving down the road, wearing two pairs of glasses over my dilated eyes and I am laughing really hard OUT LOUD.

In my car.

Because, People, I am all cool and non-spastic like that.

Also? While I was gone, Syd pooped all over the house again and while I was on the phone with Beth explaining everything and hoping she might give me another chance at a date being as how I stood her up and she had brought FOUR people to meet me, I lost track of time and was late to pick Jane (7) up from school.

Dudes, what could I do to salvage this day?

I went to Knit Night. It was either that or drink a gallon of wine and run into the furniture.

Only, guess what? You know my sweater that I've had to re-knit four times because I kept coming out with the wrong number of stitches?

THE PATTERN HAS AN ERROR IN IT.

My knitting friends burst into applause because about two minutes earlier, I was talking about how arrogant I am and how I just ASSUMED there was an error in the pattern and everyone laughed knowingly. Because we've all been in Knitterly Denial before and it's not pretty.

Y'all say it with me now, "My life is SO STUPID."

Also, "Who the hell is Sheriff Phillips?"