So Far, No (Real) Casualties

(Unless you count my dignity. No big loss.)

Okay, then, I've been on the South Beach Diet for three hours and forty one minutes and yes, I do have quite the headache, thank you. Do you know why? Because black coffee with Splenda tastes like BASS. You know what I'm sayin'? I think you do.

To the guy behind me in the drop-off lane at Ana's school: Listen, BrotherMucker, I drive a Honda Odyssey with electronic doors. If I try to close the door after I've put the car into drive, the door will not close AND an alarm sounds that is so annoying it makes me want to get out of the car with a baseball bat and bash the snit out of anything within earshot. So if you can't wait the twenty-bucking-seconds it takes for my car door to close before I drive forward and out of your way AND you insist on honking at me, THAT WILL BE YOU.

(All this homicidal rage must be burning a few calories, don't you think?)

Want to see what I had for breakfast? I KNOW YOU WILL SAY YES.

(I actually ate two of them but I only have one shot glass to use as an egg cup.) (I just amused myself for at least three whole minutes trying to come up with a name for a drink that looked like this, served in a shot glass.) (I've lost my mind, clearly.)

And just now I ate this:

I bought it yesterday for Ana, because she loves (incredibly overpriced) orange bell peppers (and her birthday IS next week) but I hadn't read the South Beach Diet book yet and didn't realize that the carrots I bought for myself were forbidden.

What kind of smothertucking diet outlaws CARROTS? I ask you.

I ask you again, shaking my head.

ANSWER ME!

A BAD diet. A bad, bad, horrible diet, that's what kind.

So why am I doing it, you ask?

Because the shortest distance between me and my favorite skinny jeans is apparently through PRISON.

What's for lunch?

Comments

Ann in NJ said…
I feel for you. The first day is the worst - but it does get better (slowly, but it does).

Just remember that you did not gain 30lbs eating carrots, and it is allowable to use a little common sense here and there - 1 tsp of real sugar is less than 20 calories. If you feel it will push you into carb overdrive, don't have it, but if it will keep you from killing your beautiful family, it's worth every calorie.
Katie said…
As I sat reading your post I was choking down my daily ration of Shredded Wheat..choking on Shredded Wheat is not a good thing. Mind if I join you in prison? :) I hear Martha lost a lot of weight there...
Kathy said…
I will tell you that, when Mark was in the hospital following his heart attack in 2005, his cardiologist said that the SB Diet was the best one he had seen, as far as published "faddy" diets go. I have the book too.

Also, what Ann in NJ said. Avoid Splenda at all costs!
Poppy Buxom said…
I've done the SB diet. I lost 13 pounds in two weeks.

As an added bonus, when I was allowed to start eating fruit, I ate an apple, and it tasted so delicious I had an orgasm.
hokgardner said…
Splenda gives me migraines. Just sayin.
Becca said…
I did Atkins once which is like South Beach and it works if you stick to it.

Yay for you for starting!!!
Becca said…
Oh and definitley, homicidal rage burns 100 calories per minute, its been documented
Marion Gropen said…
I'm rooting for you. And I don't want to discourage you, because I know how hard it is to keep to the straight and soon-to-be narrow.

Still, just for the record, I'm not sure that any diet that tries to eliminate a particular food group is all that good for you. And now, the New England Journal has an article (here) that suggests that no one diet causes more weight loss than any other diet.

In short, you could probably have those carrots, and still lose weight. Just sayin'
I'm waiting for the Cinnabon diet to come out. I mean, it will, right?
Tiny Tyrant said…
Um er eh.

Can't you just work on quantity control rather than what you are eating.

From what I've seen on the blog you don't appear to eat a lot of junk food. Seems moderation would help more, but I'm just speculating and hating my Jenny Craig stuff. lol

Good luck and I'll take carrots over peppers any day.

PS Thanks for all the well wishes. Fingers are crossed all over the place.
Robin said…
I love how you started the diet before you read the book! :-)

I'm a weight watchers girl myself.
You crack me up again, girl.

I hope the South Beach Diet works for you. I would recommend other points of view, too. You might try Gina Kolata's "Rethinking Thin" for what is really known about weight loss. Bodies really do change as they get older, and that's not even unhealthy. Carrying ten pounds more than you did in college is perfectly OK.
Lynn said…
Yes, those automatic doors.... I HATE them! BTW if you do drive off with the alarm blaring and the door stops shutting, if you keep hitting the close button, it WILL eventually close.
Mama Ava said…
Screw the carrots...tell me there's a place for gin and tonics on that diet and I'll join you in your pain.

Re: the horn idiot. My husband can have the (embarrassingly, yet highly effective) habit of walking back to the person and asking if he wouldn't just mind waiting 20 seconds while the door closes, or whatever it is, that he's sure that we can all be quick and yet civil. And then he smiles. I've never seen anyone not back down.

Aren't you Southern--can't you just "polite them to death" or something?
Karen ~ said…
First off - YAY you for still having those jeans, that may be the ticket to making it work. Second off - I have been doing basically the south beach since Jan 1 and have lost 27 pounds. YAY ME! I went to a seminar put on by these people:
http://www.weightandwellness.com/
and it truly enabled me to change my food life. Stick with it!!! Not all sugars (or carbs) are the same - it's how they affect your metabolism and the speed with which they break down in your system that ultimately affects how they help or hinder your efforts. And thirdly, I know Mama Ava's husband - he totally has that "middle school principal" look, and yeah, if he came back to my car and asked me politely to wait 20 seconds, I would wait 30 out of shame.

(and finally, I have not had an apple for a while but after reading what Poppy Buxom said, I am totally going to have one tomorrow.)
Ei said…
Dude. I hope I don't offend anyone, but don't you get tired of the endless advice bearing your soul seems to inspire? :P

South Beach is the diet my doc said was the most sensible. She said she could do without the two week "hazing" but it really doesn't do any harm. At it's core it is just practical.

So tell me...did you find this discipline stuff at the grocery...pharmacy...what?
diann said…
I tried the SB diet, and resented it so much I gained 5 pounds!

After Atkins, WW, SB, the Cabbage Soup diet, and I don't know how many others, the one that is working (and that I don't resent - much) is Sparkpeople (www.sparkpeople.com). Nothing is forbidden, and the emphasis is on creating new and healthy eating and exercise habits.

As for rude drivers, they're everywhere and they're crazy-making. I just assume they're accidents going someplace to happen!
MadMad said…
Ah, through prison. That's a good one!