Sunday, December 06, 2009

I'm Baack

I was cleaning out my office a few months ago and I put one of the stuffed sheep that Ana had given me into the "To Be Donated" pile. (I'm TRYING to declutter and I kept the SMALLER sheep she gave me.) Later that evening, this is what I saw in my office:

Welcome back, buddy. There is always room for something that was given to me by one of my kids. You can sit on the printer.

Okay, then, here's the thing: I'm fighting off a pretty severe depressive cycle, despite the fact that I have A) the funniest, sparkliest kids ever, B) good friends --really good friends and C) a puppy. Sometimes, even the fact that I am the most blessed person on this planet cannot keep the black curtain from descending -- because it is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said.

Sometimes those closest to me (Coop) wonder why I tell the whole world about such struggles. Well. I talk about them to demystify them. To make sure I'm not living in denial, which is sort of a mode of operation embraced by my family of origin. And also because I want my children to know that struggling to keep yourself balanced and mentally healthy is not a character flaw. I am not a bad person because I battle depression. In fact, taking responsibility for my own mental health makes me a responsible parent and may just be the best thing I model for my kids.

Anyway, that's why I've been so scarce around these parts. Thanks to everyone who wrote asking me if I was okay. I AM okay and getting better all the time.

I'm planning (and actually writing!) a big post about dinner parties and Thanksgiving and going to get out Christmas Tree but I wanted to swing by and say howdy in the meantime. (Also to let you know that the Blink-O-Meter is at 90%, currently.)

19 comments:

hokgardner said...

Must be something in the air, because I'm fighting the big D, too. ANd talking about it does demystify it. Hang in there!

Susan said...

The lack of daylight hours could be a contributing factor. It is for me. The little SAD light that I bought at Costco is helpful.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling. You're not alone. Although I'm okay for now, I understand the gray curtain that descends without warning and clouds the world. I can't remember; have you discussed this with your doctor?

Suburban Correspondent said...

Hang in there - depression is no fun. I think it actually makes it worse that you have the wonderful husband, great kids, etc. You look around you and feel guilty that you are depressed!

annabanana said...

me, three...your post made me remember my blog, outpostsinmyhead, which I haven't visited in a year, maybe I'll pop over there now, and get baaaack to it myself.

Hannah said...

I actually appreciate that you write about it, because it's something that many of us struggle with and some of us aren't sure how much to share, especially when our parents (and in-laws) read our blogs!

Northern winters, as I recall, can daunt the hardiest.

Mrs.Q said...

What Hannah said, eezackly. I, for one (of many, it seems!) am glad you put this stuff out in the Great Wide Open. It's awfully validating for the rest of us who aren't quite as gutsy or eloquent as you are. Thank you!

Karen said...

I'm a longtime lurker and you can add me to the list of people fighting an especially tough battle with the big D right now. I live in the Pacific NW but can't really blame SAD because I struggled a lot this summer which usually isn't the case for me. I'm in my late 40s and my mother took her own life in a psych ward (OD after hoarding her meds) when she was in her early 40s after years of treatment and feeling like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. (Chronic depression runs rampant in her branch of the family.) My mother's story tends to make me fight even harder to maintain my sanity but my type A personality (she was a B) really works against me so I just keep taking my meds and hoping that a tough day (or days) will be followed by a better one. And oddly enough, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this fight. Hang in there Barb!

ToyLady said...

Hey. I've missed you.

Bullwinkle said...

((((Hugs))))

I'm with Suburban Correspondent - having a great life just makes me feel guilty that I can't do/be more.

Heidi Malott said...

Sending HUGS! I understand the ups and downs, ugh

Becca said...

I also battle the beast and I know how you feel. It WILL get better, just keep swimming. And lets keep talking about it to remove the shame.

Georgi said...

I agree with hokgardner, cause both of my daughters and I hare having issues too. Is the seasonal thing coming early you think? Or could it be that we have all had life changing moves in our lives in the past couple of years.

Susan said...

I finlly realized that I was depressed after many months of trying so hard to ignore it. Now I have been on medication for 5 days and just the act of doing something to help myself has made me feel better.

I hope you feel better soon, too.

Susan said...

I finlly realized that I was depressed after many months of trying so hard to ignore it. Now I have been on medication for 5 days and just the act of doing something to help myself has made me feel better.

I hope you feel better soon, too.

Sherry Sea from Austin said...

May you get better soon. The holidays are an awful double whammy. You have old memories to haunt you and, particularly if you're a mom, way too much to do, far too many decisions to make. Try to simplify as much as possible. And in the end, take that message from Shadowlands, that the pain now will just be part of the happiness later.

Marion Gropen said...

I agree: hugs to you!

Depression is CHEMICAL, and a moral failing. So don't accept what's happening. There may well be a better treatment out there than whatever you're using at the moment.

Ask your internist for a recommendation to a good psychopharmacologist who specializes in depression, if you don't already have one. Not every psychiatrist is equally adept with every condition.

And in the meantime, know we out here are rooting for you.

Becky said...

Hi Barb. I'm new to this blogging thing. I've just started my own, painintheBECK.wordpress.com.
I'm a wife and mom, and I have chronic pain throughout most of my body, started by RSD. I LOOOOOOVE to knit. It's what keeps me sane, (and it also makes me feel useful on the bad days), so we have that in common. I wish you many, many good days. I'll keep on reading, you keep on feeling good.
Peace and painlessness,
Beck

Mokihana said...

You are NOT alone, Barb... I appreciate that you are so open about your struggles....

Bea said...

Depression is no fun and i think it will just lead to to many illness or sickness. I know how you feel but always Pray to GOD and remember you're not alone. Hope you feel better soon.