Love (My Spastic, Stupid Life) Thursday

Y'all are just not going to believe the day I had today.

No, really. I think you'll say, "There is no way that happened." And then you will say, "But who could make that story up?" And then you will say, "Barb needs a new category for this post. I'd like to suggest she use 'My Life Is SO STUPID.'"

The thing is...the day dawned with many good things possible because I actually showered. In fact, I was showered, dressed in a new outfit and had MAKE-UP on.

See, I had a date. I was going to meet my friend Beth for coffee. Well, really, she's sort of Lin's friend but now that Lin is in Colorado, I'm trying to date her. In, you know, a friendship kind of way. Making new friends is a LOT like dating. You wear your best clothes and make-up and you hope that people won't quite yet discover that mostly you walk around in clothes with paint on them, wondering if you brushed your teeth that morning.

Anyway, I talked to Beth and she said she had another friend who wanted to meet me and could we go to lunch instead of meeting for coffee? This ended up being fortuitous because Sydney had another one of those heart episodes and I had a lot of really gross stuff to clean up. Which is what I like to do when I am dressed in a new outfit and wearing make-up. Plus, the crying, of course. Which isn't that fun, given that I had mascara on.

But the other reason this was fortuitous is because I have had this, well, spot in front of my right eye for a few days now. It's like a little gray spot directly in my path of vision. Last night, I did that incredibly dumb Google the Symptoms thing and found out that I either had Zazam Sheriff Phillips syndrome (this is a real eye disorder, y'all, associated with mental retardation and well, you know how the jury is still out on that with me) or maybe, RETINAL DETACHMENT.


I am all about detachment. But not so much for the RETINAS. Retinas should really stay firmly ATTACHED, I think.

So the next day, when I had a little extra time before my date, I went to the eye doctor and told them to please look at my eye and just rule out that Zazam Sheriff Phillips syndrome and while they were at it, could they please reassure me that my retinas were still firmly attached.

To do this, the doctor had to dilate my eyes.

"Well, that's okay," I thought. "I only have to drive a few miles to get to my lunch, so I'm sure that would work out just fine."

The doctor put the drops in. I knitted on my current sock in progress while they were taking effect.

Then the doctor came back in and looked at my eye through a big eye machine that she had swabbed with alcohol so as not to catch my forehead germs and she said, "Oh, wow. Look at that. Yeah, that's not good."

Turns out there is some sort of fluid around my retina that really should not be there. (Gosh darn it, even my EYES are retaining water!)

So, she wanted to send me to see a specialist and she meant right that very second because, hello, my eyes were dilated.

So, I am going to drive to a neighboring town that I have never been to, with my eyes dilated and unable to read street signs in this foreign land called Long Island which has, seriously, some of the worst drivers I have ever seen. Also, my GPS unit was sitting on the counter at home.

I stared at her.

"You don't have a driver, right?" she asked, hopefully.

"Ah. No." (As if.)

"Well, um, be careful out there."

Oh, yeah, well, okay then.

It's 11:25 and at this point, I am still harboring some faint little hope that I might make my lunch.

Nah, it's not going to happen is it?

So, because I didn't have any of Beth's phone numbers with me, I called Lin. In Colorado. Because I've always heard that if you need to cancel a lunch date that's about a half a mile from where you are, you should call your friend in Colorado.


I couldn't reach Lin but time was of the essence because my eyes were dilated and that would soon be wearing off and we wouldn't want that to happen just when I'm about to drive my gazillion pound vehicle in a lot of traffic, now would we?

The drive up to Smithtown was actually fairly uneventful, except for the fact that I had to wear my sunglasses OVER my regular glasses and periodically at red lights, I had to take both of those off to read the directions and then peer all about until I realized that I didn't have my glasses on and maybe THAT'S why I couldn't see.

I got to the doctor's office where other hilarious things ensued because those people have no senses of humor and I was maniacally cracking jokes in that little way I have when I get nervous. Also, there was no cell-phone reception which meant that to keep making harassing phone calls to Lin, I had to stand in the hall on one leg with one arm stretched up to the ceiling. Plus, there were a lot more machines that had to be swabbed down with alcohol. (My forehead will never break out again!) And another doctor said, "Well, wow, will you look at that!" and I think I injured myself by trying to roll my eyes. Because, dude, "Look?"

And after all that, it turns out that I have to go see another specialist on Monday, so that should be fun. (Coop's going to drive me because he was not all that amused by this story.)

I left with enough time to drive as quickly as I dared in time to get Ana (10) from school. On the way, Lin called. (My last message to her just said, "Duuuude, where ARRRRRE you?") and it turns out she'd been on a field trip with her kids.

Damn her. How dare she be unavailable to coordinate my social life from another complete state??

Anyway, I was giving her the whole story when all of a sudden, there was a police officer behind me. It is illegal to drive in New York while talking on a cell phone so I hung up quickly, put my hands at ten and two and drove on as close to the speed limit as people would allow without honking.

And then it hit me.

Dudes, imagine if he had pulled me over! My eyes were dilated big enough to look like flying saucers and I was wearing a pair of sunglasses over my regular glasses and I had mascara in my EARS. I started to giggle and then to really, really laugh. Can you imagine?? I would have SO been going straight to jail. "Yes OF COURSE I am totally sober. Why do you ask?"

So, at that point, I am driving down the road, wearing two pairs of glasses over my dilated eyes and I am laughing really hard OUT LOUD.

In my car.

Because, People, I am all cool and non-spastic like that.

Also? While I was gone, Syd pooped all over the house again and while I was on the phone with Beth explaining everything and hoping she might give me another chance at a date being as how I stood her up and she had brought FOUR people to meet me, I lost track of time and was late to pick Jane (7) up from school.

Dudes, what could I do to salvage this day?

I went to Knit Night. It was either that or drink a gallon of wine and run into the furniture.

Only, guess what? You know my sweater that I've had to re-knit four times because I kept coming out with the wrong number of stitches?


My knitting friends burst into applause because about two minutes earlier, I was talking about how arrogant I am and how I just ASSUMED there was an error in the pattern and everyone laughed knowingly. Because we've all been in Knitterly Denial before and it's not pretty.

Y'all say it with me now, "My life is SO STUPID."

Also, "Who the hell is Sheriff Phillips?"


MadMad said…
Sh*t! I JUST remembered I haven't brushed my teeth yet today! Hang on! I'll be back!
MadMad said…
Oh, my word! That is awful! And you have to wait till MONDAY?! What is up with that?!
I am never, ever knitting myself a sweater. I could not deal with the possibility of pattern error.
TheOneTrueSue said…
Oh, Barb. What an awful day. Kudos to you for keeping your sense of humor about it, but MAN. I hope someone is giving you a lot of hugs right now, because yeesh - what a crappy series of events. I hope everything is o.k. with your eyes.
knittergran said…
Barb, you deserved the gallon of wine AND the knit night. I hope today is way better.
Granny said…
A dear friend from Austin pointed me towards your writings and I enjoy reading about your life so much. I laugh our loud...what happens to you is really not so far fetched! My children are adults and I'm older than you are, but have experienced and continue to experience many of the same wild, crazy and stupid adventures. Many may find the situations hard to believe...but I'm a believer!
Katie said…
Oh. My. Goodness. My hubby had to have his eyes checked and found out that he has Pinguecula (ping-wec-u-la) a stupid callus on his eyeball. Of all the things.

So glad to hear that you didn't get pulled over by the coppers and that you don't have a Sheriff in your eye.

I hope you drank wine and enjoyed your Knit Night~you deserve it!
Marion Gropen said…
So far, my life has been stalking yours. Feet trouble, allergies, migraines, and now I have the cold you had last week. I really, truly hope it stops before I get to yesterday's entry! I don't think i could handle that kind of day with such aplomb.

In case you don't know this, you rock, because remaining sane, let alone FUNNY, during that type of day should qualify for a medal.

And if they don't hand out medals for Mommy Heroism Under Fire, well, that's just something we need to fix.
Miri said…
I can't stop giggling long enough to be witty. What a day. What a way you have with making the worst into something funny.
I hope the eye issue is nothing, Barb. I am shocked, appalled, horrified that your eye doctor even let you drive with your eyes dilated. My doctor has a special low-light waiting room you have to wait in while your eyes go back to normal. Plus, and here's the sort of horror story I love, a cyclist was killed in San Antonio just last year, by an elderly driver who'd just had his eyes dilated. The driver never even saw the cyclist.

I know you must feel awful about not showing up for lunch, but believe me, you're not the only one who fails to leave the house with every phone number she just might need.
DK said…
I laughed out loud maniacally all alone in my bedroom with the dog. Does that count?

Glad you weren't pulled over. Or that you didn't run off a bridge or anything.

Dude, keep me posted about this eye thing. What the heck?
Anonymous said…
Detaching retina veteran here - I got to have laser surgery and everything to repair the tear. Hopefully they can go the surgery route with you, hopefully they are sending you to a retina specialist who can solve your little problem all in one visit. Good luck (and I mean that in the nicest possible way)!
Ann in NJ said…
It never rains but it pours, doesn't it?
My mom had a detached retina, the eye doctor sent her to surgery the same day (she had to have a friend pick her up and fetch her car). It was, quite honestly, no big deal. The alternative, of not dealing with it? Very Big Deal. Hopefully your interesting spot will be resolved quickly.
(I've gotten two hats done! Thanks for your knitting help!)
Marie said…
Barb, I am sending many "it's nothing" vibes your way.

Because of COURSE it's nothing. Right?!?! Right. It is just something sent as fodder for the blog and as soon as you have a dozen posts squirrled away at the ready, it will disappear. :)

That is pretty mortifying about lunch. I would have anxiety nightmares about that for years. Lucky for you, for oh so many reasons, that you're not me. :)
Anonymous said…
lol i havnt brushed my teeth
Sarahviz said…
I love you. You make my life seem just so damned....well, NORMAL.