Imaginary Conversations

So, play this one loud. (There is a YouTube video embedded here of Ruthie Foster singing "People Grinnin' in Your Face."



(If I may just start with an aside (why, of course, you can, Barb!  How would that be any different than how you usually start??) have I ever told y'all my theory of how I got my voice and not, say, the voice of Ruthie Foster? Here's my theory: When Aretha Franklin was born, God was about to put her voice box in her when it slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor.  So he said, "Hand me that voice I was saving for Barb Cooper and I'll make her another one."  So then when *I* was born, God was out at the dentist and the angels didn't know I was destined for a different sort of voice and they just gave me Standard Teeny White Girl Voice Number 63.  Which is how I was born with a love of soul so deep that it curls my toes but no way at all to express it.  Except for singing in my car, which brings us right back to today's blog post.)  (Oh, am I good or what??)

Last week, I got back from having lunch with my friend Sherry and I was BELTING out that song as I walked from my car to the house. (And, y'all, I sounded JUST like Ruthie. I ALSO was doing an a cappella version! Is that amazing? Because we soul sisters just naturally groove together...)

(Oh, just...hush. Hush UP.)

Anyway, I was BELTING out that song in the way a woman who is almost positive no one is listening can do. BELTING. At FULL VOICE.

And then I cracked up laughing, thinking of the potential for someone to not only be listening, but to be formulating another anonymous complaint letter.

Dear Neighbors,

We assume you do not realize that everyone in our community does not enjoy listening to your singing (even if you do do sound JUST LIKE Ruthie Foster, OMG!) If your constant singing cannot be controlled, please do it inside.

Thank you for your consideration,
A (cowardly, chicken) neighbor

So, THEN, we had the first Epic Water Fight of 2010.

It started with a volley of water balloons and quickly escalated into full on hose warfare. (And may I just say that Coop VASTLY underestimated the cunning and cooperation of his opponents. He should have divided and conquered, which is how I get them up and ready for school every morning.)

Dear Neighbors,

We assume you do not realize that everyone in our community does not enjoy listening to your family engaging in water warfare in your yard. If you MUST play with water (thanks for watering our shrubs, by the way), please do the shrieking part INSIDE.

Thank you for your consideration,
A long-suffering neighbor

So, THEN, Ana had her friend Andrew over to play some guitar and at one point, the house was just reverberating with the sounds of "Stairway to Heaven" and I kind of wondered what the anonymous neighbors would say to that?

Dear Neighbors,

Please.  Please.  PLAY SOMETHING ELSE.  Led Zeppelin is not something anyone in this community wants to hear.

A neighbor

PS: Thank you for setting up the new mailbox for our letters.  We do think, though, that you could remove  the sign that says, "Please place cowardly anonymous notes HERE."

And then Jane had her biweekly drum lesson.  Her drum teacher says she hits the drums like a forty-year-old man.  She is very strong.

Dear Neighbors,

Uncle.  Put the freaking dog outside again. We preferred him.

Your neighbor