Ohm... Ohm (Freakin' GROCERY STORE)

So, if I were the manager of the only grocery store that is remotely convenient to my neighborhood, do you know what I think would be a really, totally EXCELLENT idea? I think it would be a great friggin' idea to REARRANGE THE WHOLE STORE RIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING!! Think of all the potential humor there as you watch these harried parents, most of whom have their children with them because they are complete masochists really like to spend quality time in a grocery store with the little darlings on the Saturday before Thanksgiving! Can't you just hear the glee?

"Oh, and you know what would be EVEN FUNNIER? Let's NOT change the signs THAT TELL SHOPPERS WHAT'S ON ANY GIVEN AISLE!! BWAHAHAHA --Suck-kers! Look at that woman on aisle eleven looking for coffee filters because the sign says that she can find coffee on that aisle. See her taking the seventeen cans of Shrek (3!) soup out of her cart after her seven-year-old puts them in. Oh, now, they're wrestling over that box of Lucky Charms! What does the mother mean they're not nutritious? I thought they were made with whole grains? Oh, look, the little girl is calling her mother a tyrant and running away with her chocolate glazed donut! Oh my gosh! That's just so incredibly funny! I'm CRYING over here! I'm crying louder than the seven-year-old and that's saying something!"

(Yeah, me, too, Buster. And, not to worry you or anything, but there is a special hell set aside for people like you, even if you are a figment of my imagination.)

It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I think I may just be up to HERE with the holidays.

Honestly? I think the Cosmos has a score to settle with me. Because you know how we're having an impromptu showing of our house on Monday --way, WAY before the house is remotely ready to be shown? Well, um, today my husband is out of town! Of COURSE he is! And, oh, guess what? My clothes dryer just went out! Well, not the WHOLE clothes dryer, just you know, the part that DRIES the clothes. The heating element part. And it just happened to go out on the day when my housekeeper is here doing the laundry and changing all the sheets everywhere AND my husband (whose part of our marriage vows included the phrase "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, forsaking all others and attending to all malfunctioning household appliances before Barb goes SMACK OUT OF HER MIND.") is OUT OF TOWN. Did I already mention that? Because I think I blacked out there for a moment.

So, I did what I always do when things break and I kept trying to get it to work. Like, well, about six hundred million times. See, it kept teasing me by actually working for a minute or two, which led me to believe that the whole heating element wasn't out but just maybe some PART of the mechanism that tells it when to turn on, like a thermostat or something like that. But I couldn't find anything about how to go about fixing that without ordering parts and all, and so I did what I do when I give up all hope: I went to Target.

Because, you know, I hadn't had enough of the whole shopping before the Thanksgiving break vibe to last me for an entire year.

There were about a billion people at Target and I was the only one there over twelve who had her own actual hair color. I am not usually so observant about other people but dude, there seems to be a new trend of, um, well, using the head as a an ACCESSORY. It was very curious and vaguely upsetting, frankly, because I can barely match my shirt to my pants, much less my HAIR to my SOCKS. I fear this trend will be another one of those things that separates the Cluelessly Accessorized from the Fashionistas. (Well, that and the whole wearing Wet Clothes, vs. Dry Ones issue, not that I'm bitter. But see what I mean? There's definitely something sinister about our appliances.)

But anyway, the other thing I noticed is that people have simply lost the awareness that they are not the only people in the world shopping on Saturday (before Thanksgiving, have I mentioned that?) I've noticed this trend with people driving lately, too, like when someone slows down to two miles per hour to check a street sign or answer a phone call, totally oblivious that there are other people following behind them who are trying to get to the library before it closes. Is it just me? Because I overheard some snippets of conversation that were a bit unsettling. (I wanted to do what my friend Lisa wants to do when she hears some baby screaming for long stretches inside Target. She always says she wants to walk up to the mom and ask her to quiet the baby down. "Because you're ruining my Target vibe.")

For example, I heard this man, walking straight down the middle of the main aisle at Target, talking on the cell phone and using his full cell yell volume to inquire of his conversational partner, "So, do you WANT to get pregnant?"

And I just seriously hoped that the woman he was talking to wasn't INSIDE THE STORE SOMEWHERE. (Given how things were going, she was probably over in the hair dye section.) Because I think that's taking the Target Vibe a lee-tle too far, you know what I mean?

Just get a room, buddy. There are those of us who are barely hanging on over here, and we're damp and unhappy and confused.

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.