Wow...Just WOW

I guess y'all noticed that I got pretty depressed. I don't mean in that "Dang I Have a Hangnail Blues" kind of way, either. I mean, in that chemically unbalanced, "Why hello, endless-bottomless-downward-DEATH-SPIRAL, how're things?" I wasn't so bad that I couldn't get out of bed or anything, but I pretty much couldn't get off of the couch so you can see where things were heading.

I've written before about battling depression so you would think I would have gotten a clue a little sooner. But that's the insidious thing about depression: It sneaks up on you on little cat feet. I always think, "Well, I'm a little down but really, I'm sure I'll be pulling out of it soon." And my little voice in my head says, "Of course you will, even if you are a big hulking fat LOSER. You're not depressed, you're just FAT and UNHAPPY and oh, did I mention a loser? Because only a LOSER like you would be depressed while living with those amazing children of yours in your good marriage. Boy, you must really be a LOSER to be depressed with all of those blessings surrounding you." And then I think, "Oh, right. I think I'll just count my blessings from over here. On the couch. From which I can't seem to move." "Loser." "But, see, I've kind of had this health--." "Loser." "My dog is--" "Loser." "SHUT--oh, okay. Right."

Anyway, thanks to my friend Laurie, I saw a doctor and got some help and it turns out that I started to feel better at exactly the right time. Because Coop took our little Court Jester to go fishing and turn eight years old and that left our older daughter Ana (10) and me to fend for ourselves.







There was a lot of shopping. Which I don't usually care for (in the same manner I usually don't care for mass murderers) but we even had fun at the MALL (or, as I heard another blogger call it, "the MAUL.") We went to a bookstore. We went to the grocery store. We went to Home Depot. We went to Target. I took her with me to Knit Night on Thursday. We watched movies and HGTV. We worked in the garden and walked in the woods and she showed me her town drawn of sidewalk chalk.
We redecorated her bathroom.
We ate a lot of sushi. There's a rumor that we might have had ice cream for dinner one night, with pizza for dessert. We talked and laughed and cuddled and just honestly had the best time.

I can't remember the last time I had some one-on-one time with Ana like that. And I am sorry for gushing but she is just the greatest kid! Her vocabulary just kills me--we were watching Speed Racer and she commented on the Racer's living room furniture. "Wow, those are some garish colors." (Be still, my writerly heart!) She's so smart and so funny and such a pleasure to have around. She's helpful and loving and truly, a sweet, sweet kid.

I don't know, I guess I'm not describing her very well. But dudes, this long weekend is a memory that I will cherish forever. It gets its own piece of fabric in my Cloak of Blessings.

I'm so glad that I was far enough along on the road out of unhappiness to appreciate it as it was happening, you know? I really am so incredibly blessed.


Anonymous said…
Sounds like you are feeling better, yea!!!! Wish you lived closer, I would have you over for some hugs and fun. Your daughter sounds like mine, even looks like her!! Except mine is 26!! And I don't know how she got to be that OLD... cause I'm not!!!!!!!
Take care of yourself, Donna
Unknown said…
its pretty amazing when you start the road back and look at where you got to without even realizing it huh? I have been on happy pills for 15 years now and I fear ever stopping them and letting the badness take back over. I'm glad you got some help and are feeling better.
Ei said…
I'm so glad you are feeling better, my friend. I was worried about you and...well, I'm just glad. What I found with me and the meds is I never know how bad I've felt until I start feeling better.

Ana's bathroom is tres' chic. And so is her mama. Hugs.
Maybe I should get me some of that stuff...
DK said…
Aw, you made me glad you guys had such a good time!!!

And I'm SO GLAD you're feeling better. It is an insidious thing, isn't it? Damn serotonin.

(And, PS - Good work, Laurie!)
Miri said…
Oh, the feeling better! The blessed mother-daughter weekend! I am so happy to read about your happiness.
Mrs.Q said…
Nail on the head with that sneaky cat analogy...Maybe you could tell that nasty voice that you must be some kind of alright, to have friends like Laurie.

I've said this before, and I'm sure I'll say it again...I like your kids! A lot. And I haven't even met them. I'd love to put Ana and my nephew Levi in the same room...but then again, their combined brain power could be pretty scary!

Hang in there!
Annabanana said…
so are you a Carl Sandburg fan or just like that poem or is a coincidence you used that line "...on little cat feet" that is from one of my favorite poems since 1974 or so? :-)

And I am so happy to hear you are feeling better and what an amazing weekend with Ana...I bet sweet hubby and Jane had an equally fun time...yay for the COopers!!!
Stefanie said…
I'm so glad that you had an unforgettable time with Ana and that you're feeling better. Never forget how wonderful you are.
HonuGirl said…
Hi ~ I clicked over from Miriam's blog... =0)

Your words created a lovely view of bright skies pushing away the dark clouds. Ahhh!

And your "maul" comment was priceless - thank you for that!

Anonymous said…
That depression is a sneaky one isn't it? Mine started stalking me again quite a while ago, I finally realized yesterday I wasn't going to beat it on my own. Started on my 'don't be crazy' meds again yesterday. I'm glad you are feeling better!
Your kids sound like good people, it's nice to hear they are so adored!
Katie said…
Oh honey! I just wanna wrap you up in a soft (knitted) blankie and make you a hot cup of tea.

The dark place is not a fun place. Thank goodness for the meds!

Such a fun thing, to spend time bonding. You are blessed indeed.
Ann in NJ said…
Depression is like chronic pain - you think you're managing it until you're not, and then when it goes away, you realize HOW BAD it really was.

It sounds like a lovely weekend. I so rarely get big chunks of time with one kid any more that I'm a little jealous!
MadMad said…
awww... What a great post. It sounds like a fun time!
Anonymous said…
How wonderful for you and your daughter - she sounds like a sweety pie. The bathroom is wonderful!!

Hope things keep looking up for you.
Marie said…
This was a brave post. I admire your honesty and I am relieved to hear you are feeling better.

The Black Dog is a fearsome and wicked thief indeed.