A Brush with...Something

So, our house is on the market. (We have made no firm plans as to what we are going to do if it sells because it may never sell and we’re all cautious like that.) We’ve had a few offers, but nothing close enough to what we paid for the dang thing back in 2008.

We had a house showing in early December. Our realtor called and said that a lesbian couple wanted to see the house.

I stashed the toaster oven and the coffee maker (apparently, I believe my house will sell more quickly if I make it look like we eschew breakfast) and loaded the dogs up and took my daughter Jane (10) out for some ice cream. While we were out, my realtor happened to come by my house to drop off a poinsettia.

She walked into my house, introduced herself to the visiting realtor, put the poinsettia in the kitchen and was on her way back out when she saw this woman coming down the stairs. She said this woman had the biggest…er…HAIR of anyone she’d ever seen. Like, there was no way that…HAIR could be real. She was so struck by the size of that…HAIR that she called me on my cell phone to tell me about it.

I am all like, “Well, you GO, lesbians! Rock on with your bad selves and your big...er...HAIR!” 

Later that night, after I got back from taking my daughter Ana to Tae Kwon Do, my husband said that our realtor had called and wanted us both on the line to tell us something. I did a little dance!  “YES! YES! Lesbians RULE!” I sang, thinking that we were about to hear an acceptable offer on the house.

It turns out that the two women who looked at our house weren’t lesbians, just roommates. Actually, they are both stars of a reality show on MTV, Jersey Shore, that we’d never seen (although my husband had heard about it,) and THAT’S why the one woman had such enormous…HAIR. The women were named (I'm not making this up) Snooki and JWoww. Our realtor called to tell us that we’d had a brush with celebrity.  (But, also, that their first choice was a house in a different neighborhood with tennis courts and a swimming pool.)

We hung up and looked at each other. “Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for in that phone call,” said my husband.

Y'all.  You can't make this stuff up.

(Oh, as just an added little insight into the workings of the Universe, it turns out that Snooki has a book out. Because everyone in the world has a book deal but me.) (Not that I'm bitter.)


Unknown said…
It speaks volumes for your taste that Snooki does not like you house!!!!!!
Lomagirl said…
And you thought you weren't in Texas anymore! the higher the hair, the closer to God- right?
Barb Matijevich said…
Well, just in case I wasn't clear, it wasn't really the HAIR that was enormous, although it was pretty big.
hokgardner said…
I agree with Becca - I'd worry if they liked your house.
Ann in NJ said…
Can I be amused that you had no idea who Snookie is? My son's music teacher has seen her in clubs down at the Jersey shore (he plays in a jazz band). He says she looks like an Oompa Loompa - not even 5 feet tall and rather orange. And apparently rather top-heavy.
I don't even watch TV and I knew who Snookie is. Kudos to you for remaining blissfully unaware!

Where are you moving to? Did I miss something?
Kathy Ireland said…
Y'all have to start watching TMZ. I almost never watch tv (except for Glee and Two and a Half Men) but I know ALL the stars. Can't say I'd recognize Snooki if she was walking down my stairs though. But I definitely have heard of her and apparently she's a "real bag of toys" as my husband would say. LOL!

I'm glad they didn't buy your house but just think of the fun it would have been to be in negotiations with Snooki and JWoww.

As for the book, maybe you just need to change your name. Barbooki or Coop-Diddy.
Barb Matijevich said…
You know, since we don't let the kids watch TV during the week, I've totally lost the TV habit. But, oh, Kathy, you made me laugh out loud!!

And actually, I think it would have been great if they'd bought our house. Imagine the anonymous notes!!!
Ei said…
Oh the NOTES. You are so right.

I know who Snooki is *because* of the lesbians. She was on Ellen last year with "The Situation."
Sarah said…
Is "hair" a code word for "tracts of land"? :)

You DO have a book out, Barb. I have one. Or three. You should promote it!

LaDonna said…
LOL! The only reason I've heard of Snooki is because "The Situation" was on Dancing with the Stars. I couldn't stand him or any of his Jersey Shore friends who came on the show.

Oh, I love the idea of Snooki in your neighborhood. Those people who don't like your dogs barking would be LONGING for the good old days when those "Lovely Coopers lived there". ;o)
Barb Matijevich said…
Sarah, having a book out is not the same thing as having a book DEAL. I self-published my book and if you have three of the non-defective copies, that's more than I have. I did promote it when it came out in 2005 --it sold out --but now I need to actually, you know, finish the next book and shop it to an agent and then see about a book deal. It would probably be faster to get huge breasts implanted, join a reality TV show and become notorious. I imagine the book deals would just be pouring in.
Marion Gropen said…
As someone who has been in book publishing for more than twenty years, I can tell you that getting a book deal is only the beginning of the journey, and that none of it is as hard as it looks. The problems most unpublished authors have are relatively few, and they're generally either fixable, or don't apply to you.

That is:
--They haven't got the talent as a writer. (This is SO not your problem!)
--They haven't finished a manuscript to shop around. (Umm -- please do write more!)
--They don't know the unwritten rules of the game. (I suspect you do know how to query and such, but if not, I can point you in the right direction.)
--Their book is unlikely to sell well in the current market. (In which case, self-publishing MAY be a good option, as long as you avoid the worst of the traps out there. Again, I can point the way.)

So, you're not guaranteed publication, but if you don't write the book, you're guaranteed that you WON'T publish.

It's never too late, either. The first real "big book" I worked on was written by a pair of sisters who were 100 and 102 when they finished their first book.
Mama Ava said…
If those 2 women ever stepped foot in my house, I would take out a LOAN to have the whole place sterilized and cleaned! EW on them and their show and the whole trashy reality TV thing! But good luck on selling your house!
Bullwinkle said…
I'm not sure if I giggled more over the comments or the post ;)

"You can't make this stuff up!"
jennyp said…
I'm with Kathy, I like Coop-Diddy! I only know who Snooki is because I teach middle-school and my kids watch Jersey Shore. How crazy she was in your house. Your kids will be minor celebs at school, for sure!

I judge my age now on how many of the people I actually have heard of in People magazine. The older I get, the fewer people I know. So not hip!
Lynn said…
My immune system thanks you for all the endorphins generated by this post. Not sure the new neighbors in the other half of the duplex thank you for my chortling, since it is now well after midnight :)
kim said…
Hey, look, if you were willing to throw tables at people, dye your skin orange, and dress outrageously, you could be on a reality tv show too. BTW, EVERY reality tv star has his/her own book. It just seems like part of the deal... But, seriously, that is hilarious.
Kathy Ireland said…
Yeah! You could call it "So, the thing is....I've got my own Realty Show"

Susan said…
That is just plain bizarre!