Oh, Look! Something Shiny...

My working title for this post was, "I Picked The Wrong Year to Give Up Drinking."

Ana (9) and I are reading a chapter per night from a book about her changing body. I wanted to read it with her, as opposed to what MY mom did, which was to let me read a book and then spirit it away never to be seen again. I told Ana this and also that once we are through reading the book together, the book would be hers to keep. I asked her not to share it with her friends or Jane (7) because not everyone is ready to hear the facts of life at the same time. But I was very careful to reassure her again and again that I would always be here if she had questions or just wanted to talk. I told her that becoming a woman is not always easy and when she said she never wanted to grow up, I told her that I thought she'd change her mind. Because if I had never grown up, I wouldn't have her now and I would have missed out on the very best part of my life so far.

And we talked about drinking and driving and I said, for possibly the first of six gazillion times, that I pledged to come and get her and drive her home no matter when she called and no matter what the circumstances, without any recriminations. I asked her to never drive with someone who had been drinking. We talked about a teenager we both knew who died after drinking and driving. I told her that I would absolutely do ANYTHING to keep that from happening--that I didn't think I could survive in a world where she wasn't. I swear I wasn't all dramatic and rending my clothes and beating my chest --I was casual and smiling and loving her so much.

But I think I scared her, because a tear rolled down her face.

Dang. This is so hard. Or maybe I just suck at it. Still, you know what? I am in it for the duration. I will see us through this book and any other damn thing that comes up because that's the pledge we moms must take.

GDR. Wait until we get to the part about cramps. I'll probably start drinking SCOTCH.

So, anyway, Suburban Correspondent tagged me for a meme. Yes, it's true--she actually tagged me and I didn't just go looking for one to fill out to take my mind off of trying to start my diet (Wait! Sorry, LaDonna, I mean Lifestyle Change) in the midst of having house guests and my anniversary falling tomorrow. I usually delay the New Year until after my anniversary because it falls on the 3rd and there's no need getting all hasty with the deprivation before then.

Anyway, she tagged me and then sort of challenged me to be funny, which, as you all know, may or may not be possible on demand. Let's just see, shall we? Because otherwise I will have to look outside and catch the eye of the garbage truck driver. We have so much extra garbage this week that I had to use three "extra garbage" stickers --our city sells these at $2 per bag. Really embarrassing after my whole emphasis on "The Story of Stuff," you know? There went another gazillion acres of rain-forest.

Okay, this meme asks you to take the attributes supposedly associated with your birth month (February) and talk about how they apply to you. Pay no attention to the fact that they seem to have been randomly generated by some astrological parody engine or a house elf or something.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. What does this MEAN? I mean, can you love both abstract thoughts AND reality? Or is that too concrete of a question?

Intelligent and clever. Snort.

Changing personality. The medication is supposed to take care of all that. Or that's what we thought.

Attractive. Sexy. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, gosh, this is killing me.

Temperamental. Eff you!

Quiet, shy and humble. Yes, that would be me. That's why I started this blog--because I am so quiet and shy. Maybe I AM humble--because I'm trying to think of anything about which I could be ... well, the opposite of humble. Which is.. um, grandiose? Braggadocios?

Honest and loyal. Like a collie. Call me Lassie.

Determined to reach goals. Well, yes. But um, determination alone? It's not enough.

Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Okay, so all kidding aside, this is EXACTLY why I am not successful on diets. Because pretty soon I start questioning my authority in limiting my food intake and pretty soon, my meds need to be adjusted (see Changing Personality.)

Loves aggressiveness. Oh, yeah, right. Especially in dogs. And grocery store clerks.

Too sensitive and easily hurt. Do you really think so? Because I've been trying so hard not to be so sensitive and now, well, I'm just so discouraged and I feel like I need to cry. Quick! Group hug!

Gets angry really easily but does not show it. No one EVER knows when I'm angry. (Dudes, if lightening strikes me dead right now, make sure my husband puts the life insurance in a trust fund for the kids. Because if he spends it on some blond bimbo with a sports car and fake breasts? I will find a way to come back and MAIM him.)

Dislikes unnecessary things. Oh, no, I LOVE unnecessary things. Really. How else could one explain Scout?

Loves making friends but rarely shows it. I think my friends know how much I love them. Maybe it's because I keep offering them my VAN.

Sharp. Well, actually, at the moment, I don't think I'm sharp at all. Maybe it's just that all my sharp angles are so well-padded.

Loves entertainment and leisure. Oh, no, I just hate to be entertained. And leisure? That's for... sissies. I want to work until I drop. Once my job as the mother of small children is done, I thought I'd go volunteer to be a part of the housekeeping staff at the Four Seasons. I would LOVE to scrub me some toilets.

Romantic on the inside not outside. Here again, was this written for some OTHER sign? Because I'm one of those hopeful romantics who gets all teary eyed just seeing some couple with matching body-piercings.

Superstitious and ludicrous. Oh, ludicrous? Definitely. Superstitious? Not.

Spendthrift. When I can be, yes. On my kids? Yes. On myself? No.

Tries to learn to show emotions. Yeah,(snort) I've had to take lessons.

Okay, so I don't know who writes this stuff. If you want to be tagged, send me an e-mail and I'll e-mail you your sign's descriptive phrases. May the Force be with you.



Ei said…
Oh, I think I had a minor aneurysm and couldn't finish that blog. YOU SPELLED LD'S NAME WITH A LOWER CASE D.

Girl. You are in so much trouble.

Barb Matijevich said…
Thank God you told me. I fixed it.

I never could type.
I got to "Changing body..." and then went into a hot flash. Those kids have it lucky.
Anonymous said…
I remember getting "the talk" from my dad. It's hard going from knowing kid stuff to knowing the adult stuff.
Anonymous said…
Hey you....if you could, would you send me the name of the book you and Ana are reading together. Jessie will die of embarrassment...but it is time. I've had two people (one of them my mother!) point (!!) out to me that she has starting to......mature. ACK!
Becca said…
Okay,, I just have to know what they think October is like. I would email you, but can't find a handy email like and Blogger just hates me too much to help me out like that. I'd also like to know the name of the book you & Ana are reading. I have a 9 yr. old as well and I'm trying so hard to be approachable and not reflexively spaz out when she wants information.

Feel free to visit me at http://www.forwardmotion.typepad.com/becca. There's an email link right on my page.
No, no, no, I was going to get that job scrubbing toilets. You can't have it. Sorry.

You're smart to be reading that book now. I made the mistake with my 2 oldest of waiting until I thought they were "old enough," but by that time they weren't listening to me.

Although I'm not sure if it does any good, since they so totally reject whatever a parent has taught them before their teenage years. Maybe you should be using reverse psychology instead, as in "Make sure to always have a good stiff drink before getting behind the wheel" and "You want to sleep with every single boy you ever date, so you can have lots of experience feeling like a used-up piece of sh*t." That way, when they are 15 and 16 and think you are sooo stupid, they have proof. And they won't listen to what you told them.

Sorry. Bad day, I guess. But I am tempted to give that dating advice to my teenage daughter, just to see...
LaDonna said…
DANG! Good thing I missed this entry until now! I would have seriously had a cow at the spelling thing :) Ha! And I'm proud of you for catching the D word!

Bless you for your talk with Ana. (Look, one "n"!) When I had that talk with Paige (11) I blundered and babbled so much, I don't know how much she really understood. Thank goodness I have another shot with Marissa (8) in another year or so. I think I'll have to buy 2 copies that book, one for each of them.
DK said…
Go you for having this conversation now. Go you for having it at all. Go you.

I don't want to grow up, either, Barb. Although, I don't think I ever really got to be a kid, so, can I go back and do that now instead?
TheOneTrueSue said…
Ha ha ha ha ha We share a birth month. I just got tagged and I let them know that you already answered the meme for me - because your answers are WAY MORE HILARIOUS than anything I would be able to think of. So thankyouverymuch ;>