Man, This Really SUCKS!

I mean my new vacuum cleaner, of course. What did you think I meant?

(Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It's just that, well, I'm twelve.)

I bought the Dyson Animal. Honestly? The thing scares me just a little. What's it got, like a V-8 engine? You know how all vacuums come with the warning not to empty the canister or whatever while the machine is plugged in? I don't know about you but I pretty much just ignored that little bit of advice.

Until now.

Because honestly? I am seriously afraid that if the Animal turned itself on, it could suck me inside and there I'd be, waiting for the Oompa-Loompas to get me out again.

Dudes, it was... well, disgusting. I vacuumed my two rugs that we brought from Texas and honestly, I'd vacuumed them with my geriatric (if geriatric means two years old, not that I'm bitter) and very expensive vacuum a few days ago. Right about the time the attachment that vacuums rugs decided it was done with this world. So, as soon as the Animal arrived, I vacuumed both rugs again.

Look at this:

Gosh, allergies much?

So, as luck would have it, the next day my brand new dining room rug was finally delivered.

(Brief digression while I tell you that the Fed Ex guy just dropped it on my front porch, rang the doorbell and ran. There's a name for people like him: Big Chicken. (Some censorship applied here.)

Which meant, of course, that I had to wrestle that unwieldy thing into the house by myself because I simply could NOT wait one second more to have it in the dining room.

I could have been on America's Funniest Home Videos. It weighs seventy pounds but more importantly, it stands taller than I do. Dudes, that is some seriously awkward maneuvering. I think even our cow dog Scout (Head of Ranch Security) was laughing and let's face it, it's not like he's all that invested in dignity himself.)

Anyway, I installed the rug, using my patented "arse-over-teakettle, twist my ankle, fall flat on my face hugging a mountain of wool fiber which seems to be up my nose now, 'Oh, wow --how is it I've never been in a position to notice that there's no chandelier in this room?'" movement. Poetry in motion. Yup. Thank goodness for that dance background.

And then I vacuumed that rug.

For, like, an hour.

Afterward, it only weighed probably 35 pounds and if I'd been smart, I would have gathered the wool (no jokes, please) and sent it to someone who spins so that I could have had TWO new dining room rugs.

Anyway, here it is, the master of the dining room on top of the vanquished carpet:

After I'd finished setting everything up and vacuuming, my lovely neighbors Lin and Joe and their family came for our first dinner party in our new house. I am a big believer in Firsts, you know --when my kids were born, my husband and I took a CD player and Abbey Road to the hospital so that the first music the kids heard would set them on the right path. You can see why that sort of thing is important, right? (RIGHT?) -- and the evening was perfect. The food was really pretty good (I rule, I rule, oh yeah, oh yeah) and the company was more than I even could have asked for. It was a lovely, wonderful, house and heart-warming time --I might have laughed so hard I snorted once or thirty times but I'll deny it if you suggest such a thing. I fell asleep reliving little moments of the evening and thanking God for the blessings of good friends and happy times and the echoes of laughter and joy that already abound here.

My friends, as Firsts go, this was a good one. I am really relieved.

I think we're going to thrive in this new land.


That story reminds me of Erma Bombeck saying how it puzzles husbands that their wives, when seized by a redecorating bug, are able to move a 200-lb freezer, but they are still unable to do the tiny little clasps on their bracelets.
Ei said…
That is just too cool.
Mon said…
I'm so jealous of that vacuum. I have to ask, what is your old one? I have an Orek that I used to love, now I'm ready to bust it so that I have an excuse to go buy a new one. Your house is so pretty.
Susan said…
I've had the Dyson Animal for a few years now. With multiple dogs in the house it just seemed like a good investment. My experience is that you will need physiotherapy after the first few times you vacuum because it's so amazing to watch all the crud that comes out of your carpet accumulating in the plastic canister part that you will get a crick in your neck.

A friend told me that when she went to buy herself a Dyson a woman came into the store with a bag of stuff that came out of her new Dyson the day before. Most of it was cat hair. They hadn't had a cat in that house for 11 years!
LaDonna said…
See, Dyson rules, right?!!! And I see you didn't like the learning curve involved in that stupid ball, either. :) Did you try it in the store? I just remember thinking you had to be a circus performer to have the coordination to control the dang thing!
Tenna Draper said…
Well, now you have your Dyson. Like I said--they really rule, and yes, they suck at the same time!

Mine gets so full of hair that the brush gets stuck, and I have to clean it periodically. But it's amazing how much hair it picks up.

Speaking of hair---any word on Edward???
hokgardner said…
Eww. I'm glad we only have one room with carpet in our house. I have a roomba, and I'm always amazed at what I empty out of it after it spends half an hour zooming around my bedroom.
Brendy Vaughn said…
Gross! I have been debating whether I want to take out a second mortgage in order to purchase a Dyson. But after seeing this, can I really afford NOT to have one?!
DK said…
Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing ever. And if I wasn't moving to a house full of hardwood floors in two months, I would go get one rightnow.


So incredibly glad to hear the dinner party went well last night. I like Lin already. I agree, you're going to grow some new roots and blossum.
Unknown said…
Oh I love my Dyson Animal. I have saved up enough fur now to make a SECOND golden retriever!!!!