We Have to Move

I just got back from our local grocery store.

I'm afraid we're just going to have to move.

I say this every time I go to the local grocery store because it seems to be the gathering place of all the people who fit the stereotype of this part of town. You know: the beautiful people. The surgically augmented, perfectly manicured, immaculately attired, beautiful people who will NOT get off of their cell phones no matter WHO is on fire right in front of them.

Perhaps I should explain that I am NOT one of the beautiful people. Surgically augmented? Ah, no. (Well, unless you count the rather obvious "augmentation" to my body since my two c-sections.) Perfectly manicured? Nope. Immaculately attired? Twice that I know of, I've gone into the store with my shirt on inside-out. I'm normally the one in Birkenstocks with butter in her hair.

My quintessential trip to this grocery store sums up the whole place: I was leaving the store with a cart full of groceries when I saw this woman about to back her gold Suburban over her own shopping cart. I shouted and leaving my own groceries, I sprinted (I know--it's a stretch as a visual) to move the cart before she damaged her vehicle. She didn't even roll down her window to say thank you. Just gave me a look of complete revulsion and drove away, still chatting on her cell phone. And then someone else yelled at me for leaving my own cart in the middle of the lane.

Sums it up. I came home and told my husband, "We have to move."

And the thing is, the grocery store itself is bad. It's got the big sign out front that proudly proclaims it the "Flagship" store but it's overpriced and the quality of the produce isn't that great. Since my foot surgery, though, I can't just drive around and shop at the grocery store with the cheapest prices or best produce. I need to get in and get out. Plus, all of our prescriptions are at the pharmacy there.

Anyway, I always come home in a bad mood, no matter how Zen I make up my mind to be or how much wine I buy. I start strong enough: I smile at people. I am excessively polite, saying excuse me and "oh, no, please go ahead" even when it's some viciously thin woman wearing a tennis skirt, talking on the phone and cutting in line ahead of me. I make up my mind to pity these poor people for their need to exert whatever small power they have by berating the staff there. (Honestly, after a while you can recognize the long-term employees by the fact that they each have developed a twitch.) I pity those rude people for their self-important airs and their blatantly superior attitudes just because they managed to get their starched shirts on right side out. (An overrated skill in my not-so-humble opinion.)

I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm still in eighth grade but after a while, it begins to bug me. It's one thing to have people look down their noses at you simply for existing. It's another thing entirely to become completely invisible to them. Pretty soon, I start wanting to kick random strangers in the shins. "I said EXCUSE ME, you arrogant vomitous mass of unmannerly snot. Take THAT!" And as I leave them writhing in the aisle, maybe I'll toss this over my shoulder. "And by the way, your shirt is STUPID."

See what I mean? I think we have to move.


Damsel said…
" you arrogant vomitous mass of unmannerly snot" BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm afraid I'll have to steal that.
Annabanana said…
Oh I feel your pain...I share my grocery store with NBA and PGA wives - same crowd it sounds like - me usually on 3rd day without a shower and old running clothes and crocs. The store has travertine tile and classical music and low lighting, it's ridiculous!
hokgardner said…
You are far nicer than I. I would have let the woman back over her own shopping cart and cackle in glee as she had a fit over her scratched SUV.

Of course, in the process I would have backed over my own cart and cried from embarassment.
Anonymous said…
I'll tell you one thing. There's fifty bucks in it for you if you do.
Anonymous said…
I laughed so hard, I had tears. You are hysterical! I do feel your pain with regard to the Grocery Store Goddesses though...who do they think they are anyway??
Lawyer Mama said…
Ahhh! I swear I used to shop at that store!

It really annoys me that *I* am always the one apologizing and moving out of the way.
Anonymous said…
They don't seem to notice me much until I throw the 50 pound bag of dog food up onto my shoulder and walk out the door. Then they stare.

Thanks for the laugh!
B. N. Sullivan said…
I've also thought "we have to move" during trips to the supermarket, but for a reason slightly different from yours. I live in a tropical tourist destination -- Hawaii -- so we have supermarket encounters with tourists all the time. Now, I don't mind tourists, in general -- they make our economy thrive, for one thing -- BUT, I'm really put off by a certain type who go swanning around the supermarket "dressed" (I use the term loosely) in get-ups they'd never be caught dead in at home -- or worse yet, UNdressed. I swear, if I look up from my shopping list one more time to see a middle-aged, middle-America cellulite queen bending over the yogurt cooler while dressed in a string bikini and a filmy "cover-up" (IF ONLY!!), I am going to scream. "Hey lady, I have to live here!"
Tarun said…

Realising that widespread-stupidity becomes normalcy when it's widespread enough (it usually is) is a pain... :|

[trying to think up a witty one-liner involving 'silicon valley' but failing miserably...]
Sydney said…
Oh see, I'm one of those people who actually DOES say something a good deal of the time when others are being rude in the manner you describe.

Say someone jostles my cart and then completely does not pay attention to my apology (even when they clearly should have been the one to say 'excuse me' in the first place).

I put on my most dramatic voice and say... "Oh my God, you're hearing impaired, I feel so stupid! Can you ever forgive me for trying to carry on a conversation in the aisle with you by trying to say excuse me when your cart ran into mine? I feel so badly! Oh dear, listen to me ramble. If you're hearing impaired you can't even hear me now!"

Then I get up very close to the offending party's face and yell, "Do you read lips!!!??? Just a minute, I will write everything I just said on a notebook in my purse for you!"

Sure, they'll think you're nuts, but its a LOT of fun.
This is funny. I really like "viciously thin." We have those here, too. They're frightening.