Ohm... Ohm (Freakin' GROCERY STORE)

So, if I were the manager of the only grocery store that is remotely convenient to my neighborhood, do you know what I think would be a really, totally EXCELLENT idea? I think it would be a great friggin' idea to REARRANGE THE WHOLE STORE RIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING!! Think of all the potential humor there as you watch these harried parents, most of whom have their children with them because they are complete masochists really like to spend quality time in a grocery store with the little darlings on the Saturday before Thanksgiving! Can't you just hear the glee?

"Oh, and you know what would be EVEN FUNNIER? Let's NOT change the signs THAT TELL SHOPPERS WHAT'S ON ANY GIVEN AISLE!! BWAHAHAHA --Suck-kers! Look at that woman on aisle eleven looking for coffee filters because the sign says that she can find coffee on that aisle. See her taking the seventeen cans of Shrek (3!) soup out of her cart after her seven-year-old puts them in. Oh, now, they're wrestling over that box of Lucky Charms! What does the mother mean they're not nutritious? I thought they were made with whole grains? Oh, look, the little girl is calling her mother a tyrant and running away with her chocolate glazed donut! Oh my gosh! That's just so incredibly funny! I'm CRYING over here! I'm crying louder than the seven-year-old and that's saying something!"

(Yeah, me, too, Buster. And, not to worry you or anything, but there is a special hell set aside for people like you, even if you are a figment of my imagination.)

It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I think I may just be up to HERE with the holidays.

Honestly? I think the Cosmos has a score to settle with me. Because you know how we're having an impromptu showing of our house on Monday --way, WAY before the house is remotely ready to be shown? Well, um, today my husband is out of town! Of COURSE he is! And, oh, guess what? My clothes dryer just went out! Well, not the WHOLE clothes dryer, just you know, the part that DRIES the clothes. The heating element part. And it just happened to go out on the day when my housekeeper is here doing the laundry and changing all the sheets everywhere AND my husband (whose part of our marriage vows included the phrase "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, forsaking all others and attending to all malfunctioning household appliances before Barb goes SMACK OUT OF HER MIND.") is OUT OF TOWN. Did I already mention that? Because I think I blacked out there for a moment.

So, I did what I always do when things break and I kept trying to get it to work. Like, well, about six hundred million times. See, it kept teasing me by actually working for a minute or two, which led me to believe that the whole heating element wasn't out but just maybe some PART of the mechanism that tells it when to turn on, like a thermostat or something like that. But I couldn't find anything about how to go about fixing that without ordering parts and all, and so I did what I do when I give up all hope: I went to Target.

Because, you know, I hadn't had enough of the whole shopping before the Thanksgiving break vibe to last me for an entire year.

There were about a billion people at Target and I was the only one there over twelve who had her own actual hair color. I am not usually so observant about other people but dude, there seems to be a new trend of, um, well, using the head as a an ACCESSORY. It was very curious and vaguely upsetting, frankly, because I can barely match my shirt to my pants, much less my HAIR to my SOCKS. I fear this trend will be another one of those things that separates the Cluelessly Accessorized from the Fashionistas. (Well, that and the whole wearing Wet Clothes, vs. Dry Ones issue, not that I'm bitter. But see what I mean? There's definitely something sinister about our appliances.)

But anyway, the other thing I noticed is that people have simply lost the awareness that they are not the only people in the world shopping on Saturday (before Thanksgiving, have I mentioned that?) I've noticed this trend with people driving lately, too, like when someone slows down to two miles per hour to check a street sign or answer a phone call, totally oblivious that there are other people following behind them who are trying to get to the library before it closes. Is it just me? Because I overheard some snippets of conversation that were a bit unsettling. (I wanted to do what my friend Lisa wants to do when she hears some baby screaming for long stretches inside Target. She always says she wants to walk up to the mom and ask her to quiet the baby down. "Because you're ruining my Target vibe.")

For example, I heard this man, walking straight down the middle of the main aisle at Target, talking on the cell phone and using his full cell yell volume to inquire of his conversational partner, "So, do you WANT to get pregnant?"

And I just seriously hoped that the woman he was talking to wasn't INSIDE THE STORE SOMEWHERE. (Given how things were going, she was probably over in the hair dye section.) Because I think that's taking the Target Vibe a lee-tle too far, you know what I mean?

Just get a room, buddy. There are those of us who are barely hanging on over here, and we're damp and unhappy and confused.

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.


Oh, but you're so funny when you write about it.

Appliances just know....my washer or dryer would always break when Larry was away. I mean, I expected it.

Isn't it awful how, when you decide to sell your home - the home you love and enjoy - you start seeing it all through the eyes of a stranger and it looks like crap? I mean, that's what happened to me, anyway.
I have another idea. Why don't you say to Coop, "Coop, I am so excited about the house sale and the move. I'm going to focus on keeping the everyday stuff running and on having a nice holiday season, and you can concentrate on selling the house and figuring out how we are going to get all this stuff here in Texas over there to Long Island. Thanks so much for taking care of us!" Because, really, you have too much on your plate and it is stressing you out. And guys hate it when their wives are stressed out. Sometimes it pays to act helpless.

I hope you don't think I am a loony for writing that.
Anonymous said…
oh my!
that just happened at our grocery store again - took me 2X the time - but no kids in tow.
I call those people the special people - I think mom told them that they were soooo special and better than everyone else way too many times! They are everywhere now - the ones behind you flashing headlights when you are already going 5 over and there is no room to move over, the ones that you swear took the paint off the bumper pulling out in front of me, raming me when I was in a wheelchair then giving me the eyeball for being in the way, oh excuse me I digress. Anyway I thought I missed you 1 day this week and it seems I missed several!
so here is my tagline - keeper of the memories I think that is you
I did comment over several days but I don't know if you go back much.
I love Thanksgiving - but I was born on T-day as my mom told me year after year (be nice to hear it from her again - but she's gone) they had to call the neighbor from the hospital bed and ask them to turn off the oven so the bird would not burn while she was having a baby. I think that is too funny.
It is good to show the house but damn what a pain
Ei said…
I hope the Ohm, Ohm means you are meditating again.

Stupid people. Stupid dryer.

Target zen...ohm....

Lynn said…
Giving a big thumbs-up to SuburbanCorrespondent's response #2. Of course Coop's a smart man [he married *you*, didn't he?] and the "helpless" dog might not hunt. But it's certainly worth a try.

In a few years, Jane and Ana will be grown, with washers and dryers of their own, and you can go do your laundry *there* when Coop's out of town and your dryer dies. [No, it doesn't help now, but it's something to look forward to.]
Unknown said…
I hope you sell the house to these people, and then you won't have to do a bunch of the other stuff. That happened to us once, and it was nice.

I also recommend that you avoid Target and like places on the day after Thanksgiving. It can only be worse.
MadMad said…
Oh! I was going to write about supermarkets! Once I got to the computer, that is. Oh well. Yours was funny - hope the drier gets fixed quickly and that the open house goes well. Remember - if someone is going to love a house, they're going to love it no matter the mess, so don't worry (too) much.
Lynda said…
Just look on the bright side...you are moving to Long Island and you will get new appliances that should behave themselves, at least for a while. Just stay out of the stores as much as possible between now and, oh, the 15th of January!
hokgardner said…
Oh goodness. That's all I can say.

I may never go to the grocery store or Target again.
You can't move. You just can't. I've been lurking for a long time. At the risk of sounding stalkerish, I even told my husband "There's this Austin blogger I read and - call me crazy - but I think if we met in person, we would have a lot in common even though I don't knit."

I have no freaking idea what those things you're wearing for earrings are. All these knitting-types seem to know, but I'm clueless.

I do know that I shop like you, I mentally slap people upside the head, I parent a lot like you, and I love your writing.

((Sigh)). I'm sad you're moving and I will never run into you in the grocery store as we mow down stupid cell-phone talkers in the wine aisle. But I'm happy for your cute family's adventure ahead.