A Wardrobe Malfunction

We decided to come to Corpus Christi for the weekend to visit my mother-in-law.

Other than a small loss of calcium on my part and the consumption of a large amount of alcohol, we're all doing very well, thanks.

But interestingly enough, as we were packing, I managed to somehow pack ALL of my clean underwear. So, when I dashed (well, as only *I* can dash in a walking cast) upstairs to change clothes for the car trip (I'd been packing and racing around like a mad woman all day and it was, here's a shocker, RAINING in Austin. You sure you don't want me to complain a little about the weather? Sure?) Anyway, I stripped off my gross and dirty clothes, rinsed off quickly and then couldn't find any underwear.


In my underwear drawer, though, I have about $5,000 worth of lingerie that I bought when I was a size four and had no children, nor did I think I could have them so I spent money like crazy on me, me, me. It's just that the underwear I bought then almost didn't qualify as underwear, if you know what I mean. Like, um, it is missing substantial fabric that would normally cover one's entire bum.

Okay, okay --it's THONG underwear and I can't believe I ever wore it because it is damn uncomfortable. Some women like it, I know. They probably are STILL size fours.

But here I was and the kids were already sitting in the car and I had to make a decision. I couldn't bring myself to put on the underwear I was wearing before my shower--ick--so I grabbed a pair of those thongs (silk, if you can imagine) and put them on.

I made them mistake of glancing in the full length mirror and honestly, I almost broke down crying. I don't want to get too graphic, but damn, it looked like someone had attached two white VW Beetles to where my rear end should be.

But hurry, hurry, hurry-- there was no time of a nervous breakdown. I got into the car and we headed on down to Corpus.

We stopped for dinner (oh, gosh, look, more RAIN) in a tiny town called Cuervo and we couldn't think of anything both girls would eat there so we went to a fried chicken place. We went inside and ordered (the food was amazing and just imagine how I would have enjoyed it if I hadn't been picturing what that fried chicken was doing to my arse) but then the Cooper women had to go to the restroom, only, the restroom was outside of the building around back and well, there was no way I was letting the girls go by themselves. In fact, I insisted that we all go into the room TOGETHER.

Which led to a moment of almost certain embarrassment about the time I remembered my unfortunate underwear, right? But we are talking about the safety of my children in what looked like it was not such a good part of town and not to be even MORE graphic than I already have been, but it would have been a lot more embarrassing if I had wet my pants.

So, working very quickly, I sat on the potty while the girls were washing their hands and then I tried to get dressed as fast as I could.

Jane, however, doesn't miss much.

"Mommy has some very silly underwear on."

"Yes, I... I packed all my other underwear, I guess so this was what I had left in my drawer.

"OOOOHH," squealed Ana. "I bet they are SOOO pretty. Can I see?"

Could my life BE more glamorous??


Anonymous said…
You kill me...truly, you kill me! This is just so funny. I had (note the past tense) a drawer like like. As I think I've mentioned before, I've basically given up on myself. I got rid of those "silly" underwear a while ago.
Barb Matijevich said…
Well, but see--I would get rid of them but...I don't know who would want them. I'm pretty sure Goodwill wouldn't know what to do with them (Oh, look, a slingshot! Oh, look, a surgeon's mask!) and I'm too embarrassed to ask my thin friends if they want them. I guess I could just throw them away but... truly, they were so expensive, that it seems to wasteful. So they sit in my drawer, reproaching me for being a big fatty. Wah.
Lynda said…
You are definitely one of the two or three blogs that I will read when I have a list on my bloglines a hundred or more long and leave the rest. It's always an adventure to see what you are up to and how you are going to describe it. I thoroughly enjoy your blog and I thank you for turning me on to Mir's blog as well.
I don't have the same situations that you do cuz I have boys, but you make me laugh.
N. Maria said…
THAT was funny! I am glad I subscribed to your blog.
I hope you keep these funny things to put into a book.
Damsel said…
THIS made me laugh... I feel your pain. You need to buy more underwear! LOL