Enough Already!

In yet another inch of my descent down the slippery slope of physical obsoletism (I may have made that word up but work with me because I'm writing fast due to the fact that I might develop some sort of sudden-onset dementia in the next two seconds) I threw my back out.

Yippee! Another first for me!

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Apparently, all that yard work, which DIDN'T cause my post-surgical foot to swell up like one of those inflatable King Kongs that you see at every car dealership, managed to exact its toll from me anyway. And I have one bitter question for you: shouldn't there be some brief moment of time in your life when your face clears up completely? Preferably BEFORE your body starts giving out in every imaginable way?

Is that really so much to ask??

Anyway, I went online to find out how to treat my back and I answered a truly hilarious set of, oh, 3,000 questions on the iVillage Symptom Solver. Like, it asked me if there was bone penetrating the skin. Um, well, no, I think I'd have noticed that. And maybe, I'd have, um, gone to the doctor! Who has a bone coming through her skin and sits down to answer six million questions to diagnose the problem? I mean, the problem is probably that you have a bone coming through your skin, don't you think?

But I'm not a doctor so maybe I'm oversimplifying things.

Anyway, the good news is that a lot of what I read said to just keep moving. Rest is apparently not good for lower back muscle strains. Also, the experts seemed to agree that heat is good for back muscle pain so in a little bit, I'm going to go outside, careful to dodge the plague of locusts that is no doubt lying in wait, and sit in the hot tub. By myself. In broad daylight.

And in case I don't sound really bitter enough, (I was just telling my friend Kathy that I feel like all I do is whine these days) Ana is home sick from school today. Yes, that's right, it only took two weeks of school for her to catch some dreaded cold or malaria or whatever is making the rounds. Two weeks! It's going to be a long school year.

Of course, I'll probably be spending most of it in traction.


DK said…
Yeah, it's a liability thing. But mostly because, you might be surprised at what people will think is "fine"...

Moist heat, good idea. I really like those ThermaCare dealies that stick right onto your sore spots. Also motrin, every six hours whether you think you need it or not for the first couple of days, then only if you need it: good thing. If all else fails, call your real doctor and get a short bit of Flexeril or - better - Valium. You'll be good as new in a few days, honest.

Ooh, but then again, have you seen this? Maybe you should get an xray...

I can't believe it took you this long to throw your back out. I'm how many years younger that you (okay, not THAT many), I do stupid crap like that all the time!
Anonymous said…
Haha.. you are my kind of bitter. Very funny blog!
hokgardner said…
I laughed out loud at the question about a bone sticking out of the skin.

Mom's sorry we didn't manage to meet for coffee, but she promises she'll be here for another visit soon.
Lynn said…
Yep, my kind of bitter, too. 55 and not quite done with the monthly bit, definitely not done with the PMS-y bit, still breaking out but thankfully not as bad as when I was 16. This year has brought: broken leg, 3rd and 4th surgery [per foot; that would be 7 total in 10 years] for ingrown toenails, diagnosis of sleep apnea, and a prince who turned out to be a frog.

Hang in there, sister, it has to get better *sometime*, and in the meantime there is dark humor...
Yeah, I've been whining a lot too, and I wish I'd stop. My husband wishes it, too. If you think getting middle-aged is bad, try it with a teenage daughter standing there saying she hates you and you're ugly. Oh, and she called me a stupid old lady in the Kohl's dressing room. I don't know if I will ever get over that one.

I hurt my lower back 10 years ago shoveling snow and it flares up from time to time. The reason (or one reason) our lower backs get strained is because our hamstrings and/or hips are very tight, so something has to give and it's usually the back. Yoga helps a lot (the simple type, not the show-offy Hollywood type). It helps keep the ligaments in your hips and hamstrings more flexible and therefore protects the back. (This is a pet topic with me.)

But if there is bone showing, yoga doesn't help much.
ckh said…
I find that the pain in my lower back is directly proportional to the size of my belly. I mean, when I had a baby in there, my lower back pain was awful! Now that I don't have that excuse and it's just soft and squishy up front, my back still hurts but not nearly as much. Curling up in the fetal position helps. So does complaining. (I haven't tried sucking my thumb.)
Anonymous said…
Ok, you know what's kind of like the Symptom Solver? I just had to take online workshops on the American Disabilities Act and Sexual Harrassment, for work. And boy-oh-man, if people are failing these "mastery tests" then I am seriously worried for our world. Things like, should you move someone's cane or walker without them knowing? If Jessica is being fondled by the water cooler every single day, is that a hostile environment? Do you have a bone sticking out of your skin??? Sheesh!

I'm glad to re-discover you here, Barb. Your blog's funny and refreshing. Mind if I link to you through mine?
Anonymous said…
If there is such a thing as "jinxed" you are it, I think. I'm so sorry about all the things that have happened to you and around you lately. We missed you last Friday, but in spite of what Heather says, it is safe to meet me-I promise no scary tales! We did make it to Hill Country Weavers and I came out with wonderfully yummy yarns! Some for a scarf and, of course, sock yarn. :-)
Wishing you better days ahead.